Wednesday, February 6, 2013
I was reading a random story and it happened to be about abortion. Well to me it's a touchy subject because even though I don't agree with it, I have friends who have had one and I don't judge them or hate them for it, on the contrary I offer them a listening ear and prayers for healing. For some women an abortion is a way of birth control, like an easy breezy.. " Oh just another abortion".. now THAT irritates me to the core. I have some friends who had medical reasons for it and I understand why they would chose to follow through. As much as I don't understand why anyone would want to take the life of something so beautiful inside of you, but I have not been in those shoes and situation they were in to judge in any way. So back to the story ...she was a young girl raped by her own father and she was pregnant with her sibling, being young and inexperienced about pregnant she found out when it was just too obvious and far into her 2nd trimester. That has to be the most terrible situation to be in. She was given the choice to give up the baby for adoption, but sometimes adoption doesn't always have a happy ending like we like to think, some children are in a waiting list for years and are abused by foster parents. Those things are never told. Anyway... She went through and had an abortion. She described about the procedure she had and it was a D&C ( dilation and curettage. I have had 2 D&C's myself but not for abortion, on both cases my babies had no heartbeat and my body was not doing it's job to naturally expel the babies, so on both cased I needed the procedure done to avoid infection. On my 2nd D&C my baby had one week already that she had passed, so there was many concerns about me getting an infection for having a dead baby that long inside of me. Well the first one I was in the ER, I was already bleeding and they did everything with me wide awake and with little pain killers, I felt EVERYTHING! It was the most horrific experience ever in my life, they did an ultrasound, found the sac was detaching already and they put a suction thing, I felt everything. It was HORRIBLE. They finished at 2AM and I took a cab home..... ( My husband was there with me and my son who was around 2 yrs old, I had told him that the ER was no place for a baby and I told him to go home so my son could sleep. I was in both physical and emotional pain. I could not believe my baby had died and I was devastated. I cannot imagine how a woman having a live thriving baby would go ahead with such painful procedure by choice. It was horrible. My 2nd D&C was also after the baby's heartbeat had stopped and the baby measured a week behind. I remember for this one, the day before I was torn to the core after finding out about my loss, among all the emotional downward spiral, that day the hospital was so busy I spent all day waiting for a spot in the OR for me to have it done. after finding out my baby had passed around 10-11ish AM.. I was in the hospital by noon, and at almost midnight I was told to go home because the only spot was for 7AM. so we went home. That night all I remember was crying myself to sleep. the next morning I went to the hospital and of course 7AM came and I finally got in at 2PM. I was in a waiting room with an IV on me, I remember as I sat on the chair, there was a hindi girl in the same room. She looked very sad. I think maybe she was there for the same reason or maybe an abortion ( since the procedure for both a miscarriage and an abortion is the same) I didnt say anything, just cried, didn't care she saw me.. she was crying too. the time came where I was in a wheelchair and was wheeled to the OR. As I lay on the big bed ( the operating table?) the nurse there read my file, touched my arm and said "Im so sorry". I was crying more, I said to her " While many are ok to stop a beating heart right on this table.. my soul weeps for one who stopped on its own"... she said " I know."... the surgeon came in and I had something put in my IV and I knocked out. I saw the huge light fade away .... then ( I guess when everything was done) I slowly saw the light get brighter and brighter and the nurse was gently slapping my cheek so I would wake up. She said " we are done, you should be ok now." ok?... did she say I would be ok?.. I felt awful!!... I wanted to cry until my guts spilled out.. I wanted to scream as hard as I could.. I wanted to die. I put my hands on my tummy.. my baby isnt there anymore. This is it. bye bye sweet little angel ( I said in my head) .. and I cried more. My head and eyes hurt.. every tear that came out of my eyes hurt. ( from crying so much) my face muscles hurt from crying. it was too painful to even cry. I spent a few hours on a chair again and was given some bread, butter and juice. like I was in the mood to eat. that day it was pouring. I've described before that it was raining that day.. and as a matter of fact it was also raining on my 1st D&C also. ( I think God was crying with me). the week after I was physically better.. but emotionally I was worse than a mess. It's been years since and I still remember the darkness and pain of those moments in my life. I don't understand how anyone could do this knowing their babies are alive, I just couldn't... even if I had a pregnancy with a baby with a million issues I would continue.. and let the baby pass on it's own inside of me.. peacefully and feeling loved. I would never attack any woman for having an abortion I understand in certain circumstances all the fear, maybe a rape, incest... just horrible things that we just won't even understand unless we are in those shoes. I know one thing for sure.. in my case no one understands me better than the women who have had a miscarriage before. Therefore I could never judge a woman who has had an abortion because I have not been in her shoes. But I cannot lie that this is how I feel.. I don't understand and hope I never am in the shoes.. of a woman who would willingly stop a beating heart.. something I would give EVERYTHING to see... and 6 times I've had the heartbreaking news that my baby didn't make it alive. I wished those babies were mine.
Don't you dare tell me that " I can't" that I should "give up" that "things happen for a reason" the BEST things in my life I worked and fought very hard for and are beyond worth it. I would do it in a heartbeat all over again! "If it wasn't for PAIN..... JOY wouldn't have felt so GLORIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!
Friday, February 1, 2013
I just want to remember how I felt the day I got the shock of my life.. accidentally I found out I was pregnant!! First time in my LIFE it has ever happened naturally w/o trying or using any kind of fertility meds like I have with all my prev. pregnancies. I am copy pasting a recollection of my messages to my friends as I was in shock and couldn't contain my excitement. As well as the fears and eventually the devastating news that I was having a miscarriage. I had a blighted Ovum. ***copy paste*** **BRACE YOURSELF MY FRIEND*** because what I have to tell you is OH MY GOOOODDDD!!!!! 12-06-2012 you will NOt believe what just happened to me yesterday.... well an old friend of mine who has been my TTC buddy for years... just got pregnant... and since my husband and I have been debating about going back to the fertility Drs on Jan-Feb to maybe have one last baby??.. well she sent me a "Good luck TTC" kit.. with a ton of OPKs and HPTs.... I got those in the mail yesterday.... If you do not know my story because of infertility and been trying to a baby since Erick was 9 months old.. 6 years into it I admit I became pretty addicted to pee on those darn sticks LOL....... to the point that I cannot have a pee stick in my home longer than 2 days before I cave and pee just because I cant stand seeing a stick unpeed on ROFL... sooo... back to yesterday... of course my husband and I are NOT TTC... we just have talked about it for the future.... well yesterday I got the stuff in the mail...... .. and being the POAS addict.. maniac that I am.. I looked at an OPK and said.. oh what the heck.. let me go see. just to see what happens.. ( as if anything would happen I dont even ovulate on my own.. I have concieved my 7 pregnancies ( from which only 2 made it )...on clomid and fertility meds.. ALL of them...)........ so I took an OPK and the test line was like "out-of-the-normal" kind of dark.... I looked at it.. and was like.. WTH?.... why is that line so dark? me ovulating?? bwahaahah pssshhh....... I've heard of OPKs giving you ++ for pregnancy... crazy thing.... but yes.. so I was like.. oh what do I have to lose... as IF!!! AS IF!!! PSSSHH...... took an HPT oh what the heck.. POASed.... Whhaaat??? wait.. whaaat??? is that 2 lines?? naaah... yes?? naaah....yes?.. no way.. naah.. what? yes!! .. yes? WOAH.... I feel dizzy... OH MY GOD I SEE TWO LINES.. and not '"oh thats so faint I can't see it".. no.. BAM DARK IM PREGNANT HOLY MOTHER OF TWO LINES... naaahh.. I took 3 more HPTs.. BAM BAM BAM.. 2 lines.. dark every one..... ... Im scared out of my mind as I was NOT TTC.. I'm STILL Bfing.. and I have taking sleeping pills.... I have to start prenatals tomorrow.. and aspirin until I can get heparin..( blood thinner) and progesterone tomorrow... Im scared what it baby is dead?? Im calling for an u/s tomorrow.. my last period was Oct 9th for pete's sake.. I have NEVER gotten pregnant on my own EVER which is making this very scary... Im praying for the best.. hope I caught this on time.. had I NOT gotten those tests in the mail....I would have had no clue whatsoever I was pregnant? wait? what did I say? I'm pregnant??? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!..... how is that even possible?.... what on earth?? slap me someone.. slap me silly.. am I dreaming?? I tested this AM again.. BAM BAM BAM.. 5 more... this is no fluke.. I'm still in shock and scared out of my mind.... this was so very unplanned... but unplanned never means unwanted.. I feel honored.. grateful blessed for the first time in my life.. I have conceived naturally w/o even trying.. WOW.. me? " you will never have children.. had 5 miscarriages... never can get pregnant w/o clomid".. me?? MEEE???.. wish me luck.. send me all the ++ thoughts and prayers.. I'm making an appt today... scared that I did not know.. I missed all the symptoms because Im nursing Hannah... I would have not known... this is all so surreal... I pray this will be a good ending to close this chapter in my life.. because I do not think I can handle another miscarriage... my heart has been too broken because of my history.. so please.. pray... pray this ultimate miracle makes it safe and sound into our arms.. according to my last period.. I would be around 8 weeks along.. wait? what?? I'm pregnant??? OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!! pinch me.. slap me.. hurt me hurt me!! LOL!!! This is surreal! **BTW this wont be public until I know all things are good and I'm good and way past 12 weeks....please keep it in PMs but just please pray this baby makes it! Im scared and nervous.. but hopeful and optimistic.. if God sent me this ultimate miracle.. it has to make it right?** 12-8-2012 FINALLY BACK HOME!! Geezaloo!! they took their sweet time but I got an ultrasound... I'm not 8 weeks along according to the ultrasound Im 5 weeks 3 days along.. we saw a healthy sac with a normal sized yolk sac..... everything looks normal for 5 weeks not much to see honestly.... but so far so good.. no bleeding.. pain.. nothing out of the ordinary I have to call on Monday to an OB I was referred to so that's awesome... I'm being considered high risk again and it looks like they will take good care of me and this pregnancy ... HCG Levels are at 2663 which is on the normal range for 5 weeks. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.. now I have to figure out my estimated due date w/o my last period which would say 8 weeks when I'm not.. .. Aug 7th 2013 is my due date!! SQUEAAALLSS! 12-10-2012 He ( My husband) is in shock.. He even got me flowers.. he said.. you know things have been tight.. but he is in awe how this happened naturally when we have spent 8 years well 9 including TTC for Erick with clomid.... so many years to have our children.. so many meds.. so many procedures.. heartache.. stress.. you know it all.. and this came so out of the blue.. we embrace this blessing and we hope we caught this pregnancy right on time because I should be on everything I need already sans the thinners which Im taking aspirin.. I took aspirin with Hannah till I was 15 weeks.. so I have time to get a prescription.. hopefully on my 1st OB appt when I schedule it tomorrow!! I will keep you posted!! 12-11-2012 Cramping a lot this AM.... as I wiped this AM saw some pink spotting. :( ( sorry TMI) yesterday I thought I saw some pink but it was tiiinny... why do I even get my hopes up?... Just want to freaking cry. This baby won't make it will it? .. sigh...... I was not prepared mentally for this.. or else I wouldn't have gotten so attached. My heart won't take the pain... don't want to go through this again 5 miscarriages is enough. the new OB told me he doesn't think Im pregnant because all he saw was a sac and yolk sac.. and not a fetal pole....and umm my HCG #?.. with Hannah at 5 weeks they were at the 700's.. this baby was at the 2000's this Saturday... had I had my old HI my OB that delivered Hannah would have done so much more. Just so sad.. if I see bleeding today I know it was too good to be true. I don't know if I should even grab on to hope.. today I'm getting a prescription for bloodwork.. if my #'s haven't tripled then it's a m/c... or impending one?.. *********later that day********** You know when you are really TTC you kind of mentally prepare for failure.. this was not expected and I was not emotionally prepared for another loss.. I know cramping is normal in the first couple of weeks.. but for a woman who has gone through m/c s?? that's always a cause to worry... I'll let you know when I get that blood work done.. maybe today.. and see how my #s are doing.. Im sure they won't do an u/s until after maybe 7 weeks or 10... dunno. I'll keep you posted. Wish this baby was ok.. but you know we are in the blind.. BFps still come out very strong and dark.. but that doesn't give me comfort anyway. sigh evening I went in for the blood draw.... tomorrow I have to call the office and see results.. right now the little bit of hope I had is down again.. when I inserted the progesterone right now the insert came out with pink at the tip. That cannot be good I hate this roller-coaster of emotions.. I just want to get over with it.. it is what it is.. preparing myself for bad news tomorrow. no need to hold onto false hope. tomorrow we will see. I'll let you know what the verdict is. 12-12-12 My #s didn't double.... Saturday 12-8-12 ................2663 Wednesday 12-12-12 ...........3146 That does not look good.. I might stop the progesterone tonight and let nature take it's course. You know how heartbroken I am.. Im just sooo.. freaking sad... a kick in the gut.. I thought just for a second that this was truly my christmas miracle.. now its becoming my Christmas nightmare and I didn't even ask for this.. I was not trying I was not prepared for this... Miscarriage #6.... That's just unbearable to even type. I'm just going to go lay down.. Im cramping anyway and spotting some brown... cry my heart out!! :( I called the Dr and he said I'm having a missed miscarriage and it look like its a blighted ovum because my #'s didn't double and they never saw a fetal pole on the first ultrasound. **********Later that day************** Im just crying my heart out...I was not prepared for this.. this was a surprise... Im going to the Dr office tomorrow anyway.. and maybe they do one last BW... check my #s one last time.. and see how it goes.. after that if the #s are low then I'll stop the progesterone and let nature take it's course. Maybe they do a sono.. but that's unlikely. I'll let you know tomorrow. I will Lisa....I hope you don't think I'm greedy for wanting more kids.. Im grateful for the ones I have.. and I WILL hold em tight.. kiss them... thankful that I was given the change to have TWO! 12/13/12 I'm spotting pink/red/brown.. not enough to see on a pad but enough when I wipe.. every time...... I'm going to the stupid OB today at 3PM... not cramping that much and m/s hit me with a vengeance this AM... I'm going to demand a last ultrasound.. to see if indeed it is a blighted ovum ( since they just saw a gest. sac and normal sized yolk sac)... I'm reading my butt off that Endometrin causes spotting.. it is suggested I stop using the applicator.. I know TMI Im so sorry.. last night it hurt when I put it in.. I think I put it too far in and after that, spotting.. it was pink/red... then it stopped.... then I wake up this AM and I wipe and it's pink/red/brown... sigh . I don't hate pregnancy.. but I hate the first trimester with a passion! With a PASSION!.... I hate the rollercoaster....the what ifs? am I spotting?.. is baby ok.. no it's over.. it is a true nightmare! I hope the Dr doesn't argue.. last night I was thinking what I was going to say and got some facts you girls have told me.. if the Dr insists I'm "miscarrying" I will tell him or her that they cannot say that diagnosis based on HCG #s.. that it is too unpredictable to base such diagnosis just on a Beta.. at this time my DD's #s were at 700 .. and that is very much lower than mine now.. and she made it safe and sound... I will urge the Dr to do one last ultrasound to see if there was further development normal for 6 weeks or a blighted ovum since we only saw the sac and yolk sac this past weekend... so Do you think my answer is well educated and accurate? Just still grabbing on to hope.. (removed name of a friend) and her full on bleeding on her entire first trimester and half of her second gives me hope because her baby made it.. and Im stunned over the spotting because I'm using Endometrin. Keep us in your prayers today still. I promise I will update after I come back. If the Dr gives me a prescription for a sono I think I can make it in time at the hospital's Radiology/ imaging center. Thank you once more for being there for me.. I have friends close to me and yet they are so distant.. and you girls are miles apart and I feel your love and support as if you were here with me. For that Im grateful. I might not be on that much today I want to lay down as much as possible because of the full on spotting. I don't know what to think of it anymore but a last ultrasound will give closure to this madness. We can go from there after it. Whatever the outcome... and mentally prepared for the worst.. still grasping that tiny string of hope that the Dr is still wrong... my husband has been saying " he has a feeling baby will be ok".. I hope he is right. because I don't know what to feel anymore. I'll keep you posted. TTYL *********later that day:**************** They ordered bloodwork for the 21st and made an appt for Dec 24th and will do an ultrasound then. They are booked. This wait will be the worst torture ever! GAH! 12-21-12 I've been spotting still... and yesterday I BEGGED for the stupid sono... so last night I went in for a Beta I get the results at 5PM today and no Monday at 9AM I FINALLY get an ultrasound.. sigh. I don't know what to expect... I POASed last night and got a fainter line than usual... just mentally preparing for the worst. I'll let you know tonight how the Betas are and Monday for a definite Answer on how baby looks. Prayers please. the constant cramping and spotting ... just gives me little hope. I never spotted with my good pregnancies but did with my m/ces... and the cramping? I know its normal but sometimes it gets bad. like period cramps. sigh' I'll let you know how my betas are.. my last one was in the 3,000's... Im 7w4d today they should be in the 15,000s-30,000 for them to be satisfied that the baby is growing.. otherwise not expecting good news on Monday's sono. *****later that day...****** Well... I got the closure I needed..... I miscarried. Just got the call for my Beta from last night...My Betas 12/8 2,663 12/11 3,146 and today 12/21 went back down to 2,663... ultrasound still on Monday to confirm the miscarriage. Don't ask me how I feel because this is miscarriage #6 and Im broken in a million pieces!!!! :( I just knew that spotting was making me nervous for a reason.. I was just clinging to hope... I never spotted on progesterone before.. it was all very odd and concerning you know how scared I was... this has given me closer and .. Franklin even bought me flowers the day we found out... you know he always gave me grief TTC... so this time he showed me he really wants 1 more baby.. and we are ready.... I will wait till I pass the baby I still have that sono on MOnday and I might ask the ob for clomid.. I know Franklin might be ok with TTC this last baby. For now Im just grieving and hoping nature takes its course because I dont want another D&C... I have too much scar tissue already add Hannah's c-sec to it.. so I hope I just pass the baby naturally this time. sigh. I love you so much thank you for being with me with my secret... you are miles away but I always feel as if you were right here next to me! 12-24-12 We were so excited trying to hide the most beautiful secret of all... I was expecting Montan baby #3... but today I got devastating news.. my #s went very down I am miscarrying. I just want to thank those that knew and kept my secret.. thank you for all your love and support and prayers for this miracle because It was a miracle and I love this angel baby very much!! I was Due Aug 7th and was 7 weeks 4 days along. RIP little angel... Join your 5 siblings in heaven my heart is beyond torn.. I thought I would have a happy Christmas celebrating you... but unfortunately God needed you in heaven. What devastating news I have for my husband.. God give me strength. It's easy to say "God only sends you what you can handle" don't say that to me... God is not that mean to send me a baby and take it away... I don't need a reason to be angry with God... I know he will bless me one day with a 3rd little one.. it's obvious we are destined to have one more child to love and cherish and spoil. Thank you once more for all of you who gave me love and support through this. ♥ RIP Angel Baby Montan January 2013 I'm sorry I haven't updated on my miscarriage.. I just didn't want to talk about it anymore... I passed big stuff this past weekend ( Jan 30 and 31st 2012).. an intact sac and placenta.. and then some.. I went in last Monday and got a sono done and I passed everything naturally.. ( Thank God).. I didn't need a D&C and I'm very happy about that. I have a lot of scar tissue close to my tube openings from my 2 prev D&Cs and c-secs... so I didn't want to add to the danger and possibility of having a blocked tube thingy and then put my life in danger if I became pregnant in the future.. being that emotionally on my last m/c back in 2008 I went into a huge depression.. I dreaded going down that hole again this time around... but fortunately...Hannah senses I'm sad.. I don't know how she knows.. but she has been extra mushy with me.. kissy and hugging me tight.. super tight.. brings tears to my eyes.. she truly.. truly is my healing baby girl. I lost 5 before her... and her and Erick have been such ... a blessing... they make me laugh.. Erick tonight before bed asked me " where is the baby mommy?".. I sat down with him and explained the baby had "died" and went to heaven... he cried the first time I told him.. this time he didn't cry... he asked me if I was ok... he gave me a big hug... I love him so much .. I don't want to sound cliche.. but I would be LOST w/o both of them. They are both my clomid miracles and I truly am grateful I have them both. Now back to the m/c.. i stopped bleeding completely last Thursday.. I thought I would bleed longer as I did last time.. but Im glad ... I'm not fond of "Af" anyway. I POASed 4 days ago and then this morning... looks like my HCG levels are pretty much gone.. the fainnttt line from a few days ago today is pretty much almost a BFN. So that's a good thing to see and yet at the same time... siiighhh That Friday that I went in to the ER with bleeding ( where they also did a sono and told me that the sac was detached...in the bloodwork my levels were still in the 2000's so I hope now that I passed everything it has gone down a lot. I will be ok.. yes it hurts.. but I will be ok.. my kids make me laugh and my husband has gone out of his way to make sure I know he is there for me.. I truly love him so much. He does want another baby and the OB told me he will give me a clomid prescription at the end of this month to TTC on Feb. This month I am starting all that I should take pre-conception... in hopes that next time I make a good quality egg with the help of clomid... and therefore a viable conception/pregnancy... being that I have PCOS.. my eggs are no good at all.. so clomid helps me make good eggs. If you don't understand the issue about "egg quality" here is a link that can explain that to you. I remember back when I was seeing a Fert. clinic back in early 2010 my Dr gave me a lecture on egg quality.. goes along these lines ( read th ediminished egg quality part) http://www.babymed.com/fertility-problems/good-eggs-and-bad-eggs So to end this story book ( Geezaloo) Thank you so much for your advice.. love and support when I needed it most. So here's to hoping 3 is a charm... and I can surprise my mama with a big ole belly and a healthy little peanut this summer when I go to the Dominican Republic. 3 was always my dream #... Im an only child and I always wanted 3 children LOL. Wishful thinking? and here I add closure to what was a beautiful miracle.. that wasn't meant to be... my 6th little angel I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!! I will meet you and your siblings one day, I will be one busy mommy in heaven!!! Here are the pictures that will remind me of the excitement.. and yet the pain and loss I still and will forever feel in my heart.. of another baby that could have been.