Being a mother is something every little girl plays or dreams about at some point. Time passes and we mature, get married and then the time comes where we try to achieve that dream. Some women, like me, come to find many bumps down that road. That amazing day I got married my husband and I didn't even have to mention the word "baby" it was in our eyes, it was all around us.. it came naturally. ( the feeling of having one) We, like every young couple in love thought.. well sex leads to babies. That's what we've been taught in school and at home. Simple as that.
Months came by, nothing. Years came by, nothing. Was there something we didn't know? What was it? We decided to seek medical help in hopes of finding answers. That's just what we got, answers. Unwelcome ones.
I was Diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which cause hormonal imbalances leading to annovulation. ( the inability to ovulate) Well we had great news, with treatment our chances of conceiving were great. after many blood test, injections, pills, and waiting. The time came to test for pregnancy. Negative.
Stunned as to what might have gone wrong we went to our Doctor in hopes he had answers. The doctor did an ultrasound to see what must have happened and to our surprise there it was. A tiny bean like spot, and one amazing sound, a heartbeat! We were 6 weeks along and had no idea why the tests were coming back negative when there was an obvious thriving baby inside of us.
Those answers came back simply as, the lab must have mixed up my blood sample. Regardless of that we were thrilled that the fertility medications worked and we had a beautiful baby on it's way. We had a wonderful pregnancy for the first 2 trimesters...then close to the third trimester many complications and obstacles came afloat dealing with high blood pressure, stress and low amniotic fluid. At just 34 weeks I gave birth via emergency c-section a prefect 4 and a half pound preemie baby boy. We were struck with parenthood and were in awe to see something so beautiful come from us.
A couple of years passed, not really avoiding and never conceived on our own. We sought medical assistance again and conceived in no time a miracle. Then tragedy hit. After the euphoria of finding out at home, and getting confirmation by the hospital that we indeed were expecting, a couple of days later we found ourselves in the emergency room bleeding horribly.
The news quickly came to us that we had suffered a miscarriage at approximately 5-6 weeks gestation. Torn to pieces we went home, with not much answers. Just sadness and grief. So many beautiful thoughts gone.
Our Family said it was best we give ourselves time to heal emotionally and physically so we gave it a break. The urge to have another child squeezed my heart at the site of a pregnant woman on the street, or a young mother pushing a stroller, a tiny onesie on a store.
Then came the time when we were ready to try again. Mixed emotions and fear struck both of us, but we were very hopeful. We underwent yet again fertility treatments conceiving once again first try. What a blessing! Our first scan revealed a 7 week thriving beautiful baby, kicking at such an early stage it was beyond amazing. We were thrilled to be parents again. My husband and my son spoke to my belly, caressed it and we all were very happy truly believing this was finally going to be a happy pregnancy.
The day for my second scan came by and we were thrilled to know how the baby was doing. We took out little boy who was so excited at such a young age about "mommy's baby in the belly".
My turn to go in came and anxiety killing me the tech put the Doppler. That very machine that had us hear this amazing beautiful sound of life just a couple of weeks ago.. this time around was silent... just static. Fear and grief hit me as I knew what that meant. ( tears are rolling down my eyes right now) Our true miracle had passed away. I felt weak, emotions of failure, anger, grief. Our worst nightmare came to life that day.
I would have never thought someone could be struck by such situation repeatedly.
Pregnancy for us was not a happy thought anymore. It was a ghost of sadness, grief and loss. To this day we are still struggling to carry a pregnancy to term 5 years after the birth of our beautiful baby boy. We have suffered 5 miscarriages with not much answers other than it is related to PCOS and hormonal fluctuations.
We are currently getting ready for a different approach, Artificial insemination or IUI. We are getting many test done to make sure everything is is mint shape to get pregnant again.
We already have found a coupe of obstacles, but they are easy to take care of. We are very hopeful this time we are in the right hands, and that this time, hopefully we are blessed with a healthy uneventful pregnancy. The ghost of our miscarriages is something that will spoil the happiness and joy of being pregnant. No longer will we be relaxed and happy, we will be worried and overcome with fear.
Miscarriages, no matter how early is something very painful and that takes time to heal. You can live to be 80 and still hurt over that little baby.. and ask to yourself, "what would it have been if that little baby was born?"
