Monday, February 1, 2010

Accepting, letting go and saying goodbye

Sept 11th 2008

Really excited I sat on my computer desk.. rubbing my belly and having happy thoughts..just 30 more minutes and I would see my little one.... I took my web cam and snapped some shots..

I was 11weeks 1 day.. time came to go to the Ultrasound place.. my husband couldn't go with me that day so I took Erick with me. I went to the waiting room I was first in line.. I was early I got there at 8:00AM but the tech was not to arrive till 9:30AM. UGH

As more pregnant women came in all of us looked at each other and started chit chatting about babies, pregnancy and family and stuff... while Erick played with other children that were there too...

time really flew as we chit chatted the Tech arrived and I was called in first... Some mothers there reassured me to leave Erick with them ( since he was not allowed in the room till the Nurse said ok) So he stayed with them and an old nurse there....they took him to a childrens area with cartoons on the TV and some toys..

nervous and excited... I was a bit scared because of my prev. losses but reassured myself that everything was going to be ok.. since I saw my baby so active and wonderfully healthy at 7 weeks.

So I undressed and there I lay.. on the bed... the tech put the probe on my tummy and just had an expressionless face. She was poking quite hard with it and I made a few wimping noises... she kept going.. I heard her turn on the dopller ( the device that you can hear the heartbeat) all I heard was static.. thats when I looked at her puzzled... she did NOT look at me ONCE... her face was concentrated on the screen... she jabbed me with it and static.... only static.. I knew.. I KNEW something was wrong.. I started to cry.

She said.. I need you to empty your baldder... I need to do another ultrasound... not saying anyting else... I put the paper wrap over me... and went to the bathroom in the same room to empty my bladder.. and went back on the bed... ( still crying) She put in the probe and poked me even harder.. I was wimping and crying.. SHE STILL wouldn't look at me... I said to her in a tiny voice... "the baby is dead right?" she didn't say anything nor she looked at me.. I said to her in a stronger voice.. " Look I have miscarried a couple of times before.. all I need to know is the baby dead?"

She finally looked at me.. a really grave face.. and in a tiny voice she said : I'm sorry you have a non-viable pregnancy"

.. non viable pregnancy... non viable pregnancy.. it rang and rang and echoed in my head.. non viable pregnancy.............

completetly still in place.. it's like time stopped... when I felt myself breating again I stood up crying harder and I dunno how or where I found strength but I put on my clothes.. I opened the door to go out and my knees went weak.. I fell to the floor.. my head on a chair.. I sobbed.. hard... Erick came running to me and said to someone I dunno who.. "mommy is crying".. I heard them taking him to the other room while I felt ppls hands on my shoulder.. I couldn't stand up... my knees were not working...

I saw a glass of water being given to me.. and through tears and choking a bit I drank some.. and managed to sit on the chair with help of many women there.. I noticed some pregnant women were crying.. and they were also taken to another room...

I remembered Erick and suddenly reality hit me I went to him and hugged him.. hard...... I found my cell.. and shaking I called my husband... I was crying so hard.. he was silent.. without a single word.. he said " I'll be there"... I hung up.

I was not allowed to go to the main room as there were other pregnant women there waiting.. and I guess they didn't want no one to see me... so I was taken out through the back door and hubby was there waiting for me.. and old lady said to me.. "have strength.. thinngs happen for a reason."I closed the car door looked at her and nodded.. and in complete silence.. showed hubby the paper.. with the big " non viable pregnancy" on top.

My husband was blank.. silent... he put his hand on my shoulder.. and said "I'm sorry"

all that happened that day is a blur..... the next day I was in the hospital for a scheduled D&C ( the srugical procedure used to remove the dead fetus from your body).... I was put to sleep ... once I woke up I felt empty... lonely...

sad... not "just" sad... like my SOUL was sad.. gloomy.. it was raining outside.. dark.. it's like the Heavens were crying with me... I never thought in my life this was going to happen to me again...

but it did.... it did. It has been one year.. I survived my Due Date April 2nd 2009.... and I know I will survive again... but all the memories are still so fresh in my mind.. and the pain is still there....

I struggle to have another child... but I have one miracle in front of me growing and loving me as the days pass by.. he reminds me not to give up.. as he too was conceived on fertility medicine. He too almost didn't make it.. he came early into my arms... just 4 and a half pounds... but 4 and a half pounds of PURITY and PERFECTION... a GIFT from above.. God gave me Erick.. to remind me that he is there.... that he promised me a blessing and he stands right in front of me right now.

I have lost many Angels... and I love them all equally.. this one was a little bit more painful.. because I met her, saw her move and heard her heartbeat... I have 5 Angel babies in total 3 confirmed by Doctors and 2 lost too early...

I had fetal tissue analysis done.. the cause of miscarriage was unknown and dteremined it was hormonal. Genetic screening came back normal.. and the results came back saying she was XX
( female).

We named her Amy Grace.

Letter to Amy Grace and My angles:

Dear Amy and my little Angels,

I miss you so much. I wish I had you here with me& playing with your brother. I wish I could hold you. Many ppl have the honor to hold their angels.. I never got to hold or kiss you. But you remain in my heart and your memory will live with me... I never stop thinking of you.. and I know I can hear you at night.... when I feel warm tears roll down my cheks.. I feel the softness of your kisses.. and I hear you whispering to me " Mommy we are happy here..we know you love us and we watch over you from here."

God needed you in Heaven.. he had better plans for you.. He gave you all to me.. and even if for a short time I carried you in my womb... but God knows you were loved... from the very start.

Daddy, Erick and I miss you and have not forgotten you. Erick is so small yet he knows so much. He remembers the sound of your heartbeat and asks me when will you come.. I tell him.. one day in heaven.. we will all play together. And Maybe one Day not too far god will send us a miracle to play and be yorupartner in crime.

My angels are happy, they play with Jesus family and friends.. and I know they watch over us.. we feel their presence in the flowers and the warm sun.

We miss you very much.. not one day passes by that I don't think of you...but one day not too far we will all reunite in heaven and run through infinite meadows and play with beautiful creations.. we will have peace... and live in eternal happiness with Jesus, Family and Friends.

In Loving Memory of Amy Grace ( 9-11-08) and the Montan Angel Babies ( 4 little Angels)

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