Sunday, December 26, 2010

Miracles DO HAPPEN!!! 5 yrs battling infertility and pregnancy loss..FINALLY we're having our 2nd miracle!

It's been a's been so painful, so long. To know a little bit about my story go back to my very first post to read all about it. In short after battling infertility we had a miracle (clomid) baby boy in 2004. He is our pride and joy! 9 months after his birth we started trying for #2 and encountered so many obstacles that added to my infertility and painful losses. On my 2nd post you will read details about my most recent loss back in 2008 and my 4 other losses before that one. It was such a painful experience.
After seeing a fertility Dr in 2009 we underwent a series of invasive tests to determine what was wrong with me. Some questions were answered and even though we did not conceive with the help of the fertility Dr, at least we got answers as to why I miscarried always in my first trimester. 5 losses: 2 chemical pregnancies and 3 confirmed pregnancies ranging from 6 and 11 weeks.
It was found that I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Lieden and MTHFR mutation. In order for me to carry a pregnancy to term or close enough, I had to be put on blood thinners.
Well 2010 came and we did an IUI in January with Bravelle and Ovidrel. The end result was one that we were heartbroken and tired of hearing. FAILURE.
we took February off to recover from such painful news. March came and we did another one. The end result, FAILED!
We were torn, all the money, all the needle poking, all the Dr visits.. why? why did it not work? How could you possibly NOT be pregnant when the Drs literally do everything for you? It was just so overwhelming.

My husband and I were tired. Tired of doing everything by the book and having nothing to show for it. We took a good break. I decided I was not meant to have another child and was convincing myself that I should be grateful and content that I at least had one! but convincing myself made me more sad. The sight of a pregnant woman anywhere in the street was one thing that had me in tears no matter where I was or how many people saw me crying. It was unbearable.
I remember going to toysrus to get a gift for a friend and I wandered off to the baby area. Saw one beautiful crib and running my fingers through the soft mattress I felt the warm tears running down my cheeks. some ppl stared, others gave me a compassionate grin, it must have been weird to see a woman crying over a baby crib.
Well April and May passed ever so faithfully. Like time only knows how to do.. just move on forward no matter what.
In the end of May I went to a regular OB. I decided that I wanted to give this one last try. If it worked well I would finally have that miracle we have fought so hard for, but if it didnt I was determined to forget about having another child and do my best to move on and focus on myself and my marriage not to mention my only son.
Well the Dr only gave me clomid. Which I didnt start taking until June.
Very skeptical I just prepared to get my period and again for failure. I knew it was not going to work and I was sadly mentally preparing for moving on and forgetting my hearts desire to have another child.
Little was I expecting what I saw on July 31st 2010! In the night after fighting myself NOT to test, I gave in, I tested.. and OMG!!!! Could it be? was that two lines? One of them was so faint! I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was walking, I went over to my husband and showed him what I think I saw.
My husband said " Well i see 2 lines, you should test in the morning and see what happens". That next morning tool FOREEVEEERRRR to finally get here lol.
and so I tested, ever so nervous I looked away trying not to peek form the corner of my eyes. 5 minutes passed and I looked back! WOW! YES!!! YES!!!! 2 very dark lines!!!

after crying so much it hit me! OMG no.. what if I miscarry? what do I do? that VERY morning I set up an appt with a high risk Dr I was eyeing for a long time.
I got in just 2 days later. We went over my history and she decided to do things step by step.
she gave me progesterone she wanted me to take until I was 12 weeks. And for now she told me to take aspirin until I could make it to a hematologist( a dr that takes care of blood clotting disorder).
The main thing right now was making sure the pregnancy was viable I was only 5 weeks along. So making me a high risk patient she scheduled an ultrasound for 6,7,9 and 12 weeks.
Ever so nervous on the day of my 6 weeks ultrasound I held my breath. As the technician clicked away with the screen towards her, I stared at the ceiling just waiting for bad news.
in what seemed like ages later she turned the screen towards me to only show me a little grey blob with a flickering heartbeat!!! WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I cried. I cried so much! Scared. That was just 6 weeks, I miscarried my last pregnancy at 11 weeks I was so scared to even think of getting attached to this baby to only lose it too.
my 7 weeks ultrasound came back.. STILL A HEARTBEAT!!! She told me that this was good news and it was very likely this baby would make it. I was not convinced.
9 weeks ultrasound was just wonderful. We saw yet again a much bigger little thing and that little heart was just flickering away! What a beautiful thing to see!
Well 12 weeks came. I went to my OB and she tried the doppler machine to hear the heartbeat from my belly.
static. all we heard was static. the Dr poked and poked and no heartbeat was heard. Crashing.. in just 2 seconds my world was crashing. NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN! My husband turned pale. his eyes wide looking at me just crumble in front of him. My Dr jumped into action and said "no, wait, this is an emergency, let me get you in our imaging center and have an ultrasound done."

I cannot begin to describe how both my husband and I felt as we were waiting to be squeezed in to the ultrasound place since it was an emergency and we were not in the schedule. Around noon we finally got a spot and we went in. So scared. the technician had the screen towards her as usual, my eyes were to blurry with tears to focus on anything I was just waiting for the bad news. It was gone. I knew the baby was gone.
Then this sound broke our silence.. a fast rhythmic "thump thump thump thump... " I knew that sound! That was the sound of LIFE!!! I started to cry so hard I was shaking! she turned on a screen to the wall and MY GOD WHAT A SURPRISE!!! after only seeing a blobish image before.. here in front of me I see an image of a fully formed human baby!! MY BABY!!!!
My husband and I held hands and I just wept! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I don't know how many times I said that!
I was expecting the worst. And I just saw my 2nd little miracle right then and there! TO ME!! THIS WAS HAPPENING TO ME!! THIS WAS MY BABY IN MY BELLY AND IT WAS ALIVE AND THRIVING!!!!
Finally.. a reward! This was our reward! We showed our son we finally were having that "sibling" he was always asking for!

We went back at 15 weeks for an ultrasound and were told the baby looked like it was a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! but it wasn't 100% sure until 20 weeks. She gave us some pictures of the baby and after seeing my son;s old ultrasounds I was sure it was really a girl.

Well 20 weeks came and most definitely WE ARE HAVING A BABY GIRL!!!!!! What else could I ask for? I had my little prince and after much heartache not only did we finally have our 2nd child.. but it was a GIRL TOO!!! Our family is complete!!!!!!!!

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy thriving beautiful baby girl we decided to name HANNAH VICTORIA!
We are beyond estatic and over the moon! We cant wait to finally hold in our arms this piece of heaven God blessed us with.
she will make her Debut in March 2011. She has one eager big brother who always asks " what's taking so long?.. when is Hannah coming home" and a mommy and daddy who overflow with love all for her! Our family is complete! Looking back every tear I ever shed over infertility it has been WORTH IT! Plus I am a mother of angels.. and they watch over us. My angels were barely a few weeks in my womb but God only knows how much I STILL Love them! I will never forget them and I will always count them as my children! My special children who watch over us from above. :)

So this is it... our happy ending! The Happy end to one heck of a story!
We are grateful to God for blessing us again! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!! I still cant believe it finally happened to me!

Monday, March 29, 2010

How a miscarriage can overshadow the joy of the next pregnancy

Being a mother is something every little girl plays or dreams about at some point. Time passes and we mature, get married and then the time comes where we try to achieve that dream. Some women, like me, come to find many bumps down that road. That amazing day I got married my husband and I didn't even have to mention the word "baby" it was in our eyes, it was all around us.. it came naturally. ( the feeling of having one) We, like every young couple in love thought.. well sex leads to babies. That's what we've been taught in school and at home. Simple as that.

Months came by, nothing. Years came by, nothing. Was there something we didn't know? What was it? We decided to seek medical help in hopes of finding answers. That's just what we got, answers. Unwelcome ones.

I was Diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which cause hormonal imbalances leading to annovulation. ( the inability to ovulate) Well we had great news, with treatment our chances of conceiving were great. after many blood test, injections, pills, and waiting. The time came to test for pregnancy. Negative.

Stunned as to what might have gone wrong we went to our Doctor in hopes he had answers. The doctor did an ultrasound to see what must have happened and to our surprise there it was. A tiny bean like spot, and one amazing sound, a heartbeat! We were 6 weeks along and had no idea why the tests were coming back negative when there was an obvious thriving baby inside of us.

Those answers came back simply as, the lab must have mixed up my blood sample. Regardless of that we were thrilled that the fertility medications worked and we had a beautiful baby on it's way. We had a wonderful pregnancy for the first 2 trimesters...then close to the third trimester many complications and obstacles came afloat dealing with high blood pressure, stress and low amniotic fluid. At just 34 weeks I gave birth via emergency c-section a prefect 4 and a half pound preemie baby boy. We were struck with parenthood and were in awe to see something so beautiful come from us.

A couple of years passed, not really avoiding and never conceived on our own. We sought medical assistance again and conceived in no time a miracle. Then tragedy hit. After the euphoria of finding out at home, and getting confirmation by the hospital that we indeed were expecting, a couple of days later we found ourselves in the emergency room bleeding horribly.

The news quickly came to us that we had suffered a miscarriage at approximately 5-6 weeks gestation. Torn to pieces we went home, with not much answers. Just sadness and grief. So many beautiful thoughts gone.

Our Family said it was best we give ourselves time to heal emotionally and physically so we gave it a break. The urge to have another child squeezed my heart at the site of a pregnant woman on the street, or a young mother pushing a stroller, a tiny onesie on a store.

Then came the time when we were ready to try again. Mixed emotions and fear struck both of us, but we were very hopeful. We underwent yet again fertility treatments conceiving once again first try. What a blessing! Our first scan revealed a 7 week thriving beautiful baby, kicking at such an early stage it was beyond amazing. We were thrilled to be parents again. My husband and my son spoke to my belly, caressed it and we all were very happy truly believing this was finally going to be a happy pregnancy.

The day for my second scan came by and we were thrilled to know how the baby was doing. We took out little boy who was so excited at such a young age about "mommy's baby in the belly".

My turn to go in came and anxiety killing me the tech put the Doppler. That very machine that had us hear this amazing beautiful sound of life just a couple of weeks ago.. this time around was silent... just static. Fear and grief hit me as I knew what that meant. ( tears are rolling down my eyes right now) Our true miracle had passed away. I felt weak, emotions of failure, anger, grief. Our worst nightmare came to life that day.

I would have never thought someone could be struck by such situation repeatedly.

Pregnancy for us was not a happy thought anymore. It was a ghost of sadness, grief and loss. To this day we are still struggling to carry a pregnancy to term 5 years after the birth of our beautiful baby boy. We have suffered 5 miscarriages with not much answers other than it is related to PCOS and hormonal fluctuations.

We are currently getting ready for a different approach, Artificial insemination or IUI. We are getting many test done to make sure everything is is mint shape to get pregnant again.

We already have found a coupe of obstacles, but they are easy to take care of. We are very hopeful this time we are in the right hands, and that this time, hopefully we are blessed with a healthy uneventful pregnancy. The ghost of our miscarriages is something that will spoil the happiness and joy of being pregnant. No longer will we be relaxed and happy, we will be worried and overcome with fear.

Miscarriages, no matter how early is something very painful and that takes time to heal. You can live to be 80 and still hurt over that little baby.. and ask to yourself, "what would it have been if that little baby was born?"

Monday, February 1, 2010

Accepting, letting go and saying goodbye

Sept 11th 2008

Really excited I sat on my computer desk.. rubbing my belly and having happy thoughts..just 30 more minutes and I would see my little one.... I took my web cam and snapped some shots..

I was 11weeks 1 day.. time came to go to the Ultrasound place.. my husband couldn't go with me that day so I took Erick with me. I went to the waiting room I was first in line.. I was early I got there at 8:00AM but the tech was not to arrive till 9:30AM. UGH

As more pregnant women came in all of us looked at each other and started chit chatting about babies, pregnancy and family and stuff... while Erick played with other children that were there too...

time really flew as we chit chatted the Tech arrived and I was called in first... Some mothers there reassured me to leave Erick with them ( since he was not allowed in the room till the Nurse said ok) So he stayed with them and an old nurse there....they took him to a childrens area with cartoons on the TV and some toys..

nervous and excited... I was a bit scared because of my prev. losses but reassured myself that everything was going to be ok.. since I saw my baby so active and wonderfully healthy at 7 weeks.

So I undressed and there I lay.. on the bed... the tech put the probe on my tummy and just had an expressionless face. She was poking quite hard with it and I made a few wimping noises... she kept going.. I heard her turn on the dopller ( the device that you can hear the heartbeat) all I heard was static.. thats when I looked at her puzzled... she did NOT look at me ONCE... her face was concentrated on the screen... she jabbed me with it and static.... only static.. I knew.. I KNEW something was wrong.. I started to cry.

She said.. I need you to empty your baldder... I need to do another ultrasound... not saying anyting else... I put the paper wrap over me... and went to the bathroom in the same room to empty my bladder.. and went back on the bed... ( still crying) She put in the probe and poked me even harder.. I was wimping and crying.. SHE STILL wouldn't look at me... I said to her in a tiny voice... "the baby is dead right?" she didn't say anything nor she looked at me.. I said to her in a stronger voice.. " Look I have miscarried a couple of times before.. all I need to know is the baby dead?"

She finally looked at me.. a really grave face.. and in a tiny voice she said : I'm sorry you have a non-viable pregnancy"

.. non viable pregnancy... non viable pregnancy.. it rang and rang and echoed in my head.. non viable pregnancy.............

completetly still in place.. it's like time stopped... when I felt myself breating again I stood up crying harder and I dunno how or where I found strength but I put on my clothes.. I opened the door to go out and my knees went weak.. I fell to the floor.. my head on a chair.. I sobbed.. hard... Erick came running to me and said to someone I dunno who.. "mommy is crying".. I heard them taking him to the other room while I felt ppls hands on my shoulder.. I couldn't stand up... my knees were not working...

I saw a glass of water being given to me.. and through tears and choking a bit I drank some.. and managed to sit on the chair with help of many women there.. I noticed some pregnant women were crying.. and they were also taken to another room...

I remembered Erick and suddenly reality hit me I went to him and hugged him.. hard...... I found my cell.. and shaking I called my husband... I was crying so hard.. he was silent.. without a single word.. he said " I'll be there"... I hung up.

I was not allowed to go to the main room as there were other pregnant women there waiting.. and I guess they didn't want no one to see me... so I was taken out through the back door and hubby was there waiting for me.. and old lady said to me.. "have strength.. thinngs happen for a reason."I closed the car door looked at her and nodded.. and in complete silence.. showed hubby the paper.. with the big " non viable pregnancy" on top.

My husband was blank.. silent... he put his hand on my shoulder.. and said "I'm sorry"

all that happened that day is a blur..... the next day I was in the hospital for a scheduled D&C ( the srugical procedure used to remove the dead fetus from your body).... I was put to sleep ... once I woke up I felt empty... lonely...

sad... not "just" sad... like my SOUL was sad.. gloomy.. it was raining outside.. dark.. it's like the Heavens were crying with me... I never thought in my life this was going to happen to me again...

but it did.... it did. It has been one year.. I survived my Due Date April 2nd 2009.... and I know I will survive again... but all the memories are still so fresh in my mind.. and the pain is still there....

I struggle to have another child... but I have one miracle in front of me growing and loving me as the days pass by.. he reminds me not to give up.. as he too was conceived on fertility medicine. He too almost didn't make it.. he came early into my arms... just 4 and a half pounds... but 4 and a half pounds of PURITY and PERFECTION... a GIFT from above.. God gave me Erick.. to remind me that he is there.... that he promised me a blessing and he stands right in front of me right now.

I have lost many Angels... and I love them all equally.. this one was a little bit more painful.. because I met her, saw her move and heard her heartbeat... I have 5 Angel babies in total 3 confirmed by Doctors and 2 lost too early...

I had fetal tissue analysis done.. the cause of miscarriage was unknown and dteremined it was hormonal. Genetic screening came back normal.. and the results came back saying she was XX
( female).

We named her Amy Grace.

Letter to Amy Grace and My angles:

Dear Amy and my little Angels,

I miss you so much. I wish I had you here with me& playing with your brother. I wish I could hold you. Many ppl have the honor to hold their angels.. I never got to hold or kiss you. But you remain in my heart and your memory will live with me... I never stop thinking of you.. and I know I can hear you at night.... when I feel warm tears roll down my cheks.. I feel the softness of your kisses.. and I hear you whispering to me " Mommy we are happy here..we know you love us and we watch over you from here."

God needed you in Heaven.. he had better plans for you.. He gave you all to me.. and even if for a short time I carried you in my womb... but God knows you were loved... from the very start.

Daddy, Erick and I miss you and have not forgotten you. Erick is so small yet he knows so much. He remembers the sound of your heartbeat and asks me when will you come.. I tell him.. one day in heaven.. we will all play together. And Maybe one Day not too far god will send us a miracle to play and be yorupartner in crime.

My angels are happy, they play with Jesus family and friends.. and I know they watch over us.. we feel their presence in the flowers and the warm sun.

We miss you very much.. not one day passes by that I don't think of you...but one day not too far we will all reunite in heaven and run through infinite meadows and play with beautiful creations.. we will have peace... and live in eternal happiness with Jesus, Family and Friends.

In Loving Memory of Amy Grace ( 9-11-08) and the Montan Angel Babies ( 4 little Angels)