Wednesday, June 8, 2011

My Healing Moment Part 2

Finally I can sit down here and write what my Healing moment felt like before the memories get hazy. March 23rd 2011 just a day from my scheduled c-section. That night my husband and I tipy toed to my sleeping son's bed...he was so angelical sleeping so soundly. My husband put his hand on my belly.. and saw that I was crying. Finally.... sigh... FINALLY we see the day all this heartache and horrible battle was over! 1 more just a few hours and I would be in the hospital delivering our 2nd miracle we longed for so long!

That night while my husband slept anxiety had me up all night long, as I lay on my bed I just cried. I was so afraid this was all a dream and I would as usual wake up to my harsh reality. It was surreal, Im having this baby I've been aching to hold for so long.

Ever so slowly the morning of March 24th arrived. Surprised I fell asleep I jumped from my bed and was surprisingly ready in about 20 minutes! lol

at 6AM We dropped off our son at my neighbor to take him to school we were to check in at the hospital at 7AM. I waddled to the elevator to the the L&D with my hubby. The nurse came over to put all em tubes and stuff on me. After I was all set and ready we waited for the Dr's signal and start our c-section scheduled for 9:30AM. Well 9:30 came and we were still waiting. The Dr came in and told us there was an emergency c-section going on and if we could wait a little longer. We were ok ..but anxiety kicked even more!!

Finally at 11AM I walked to the OR.. I had my epidural done and there I lay on the bed. My husband came to sit behind me a few minutes later and the Dr said "Let's do this"!

My husband held my hand.. the baby wasn't born yet and I was already crying. Nervous and scared. I was very numb and only felt the Dr moving me around if that makes any sense like a pulling feeling. The Dr and the nurses were chit chatting away as they "dug in my guts" lol.

Finally.. I heard something.. a yelp.. then a short cry...then it progressed to a steady loud crying. SHE'S HERE!!!!!!! 11:23AM the Dr shouted!! My husband was kissing me and teary eyed, he moved aside to give way to the nurse who carried my baby. WOW... my baby. I saw her upside down and she was just PERFECT!! I cried.. I cried so much!!!! I kissed her.. for the first time. ( tears rolling down my cheeks as I type). My little Hannah.. our miracle, I felt this love. This love I had bottled up and it burst! I just loved her so much and she was a few seconds old! I would give my life for her!!!

They took her behind me to do all the tests and things they do to newborns. My husband yelled 7 pounds 12 oz!!! 20 inches long!!! WOW!!! My little miracle!!!

My Hannah Victoria!

Once they closed me up and had me in the delivery room I was surprised to see my husband walking towards me with our baby in his arms. The nurse walked in stripped her down to her diaper and put her in my chest.

WOW.. her warm body sent this amazing warm loving feeling through my entire body. She's my arms.. my husband and I just looked at each other with a grin, and I could tell in his eyes he too was relieved all this heartbreaking journey was finally over!

I will NEVER forget the hardships I had to get "here" and I made it a personal mission to reach out to those who are still fighting. I gave up a MILLION times yet I managed to go back and try again. I hope my story gives hope to those fighting, the wait is long, the things we are put through are painful and tough, and the failures crush you to the core, but our miracles are worth our fight, and even if treatments fail over and over again.. we manage to stand up and FIGHT again!!!.. I know Hannah is worth everything I went through, I pray that even if it took so long for me, that all my friends fighting finally experience the amazing "Healing moment". Its something worth fighting for!

Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.

Waiting for my "Healing Moment" Part 1 March 23, 2011

As I anxiously anticipate the date we will deliver our baby, a flood of memories and emotions overcome me.

a trip down memory lane.....

Im sure you heard or read about the "odyssey and hardships" we've had to have our 2nd child, and many say "so what? they wanted another kid.. boo-hoo" they couldn't. So the kid couldn't get his lollipop.. boo-hoo Grow up.

It's not even like that. Wanting a child is not the same as wanting an ipad or wii and not being able to get it. We are talking about a human being that comes from the love you share with your partner, a little piece of both of you that forever will remind you that no matter how tough or ugly things get you have a little person that loves you no mater what and thinks the WORLD of you and doesnt care how many mistakes you have made. Just because you have one child ( and by God what a blessing he is in ou rlives). Parenthood has been such an amazing experience, excuse me for being selfish and wanting another one.

It's been almost 3 yrs since my last miscarriage and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to hold the ultrasound in my hand and not break down into tears seeing it. I remember so well the day I had an endometrial biopsy in 2009, I was in so much pain, there was no one to hold my hand. I was crying so hard and I just looked in to the ugly cieling and just pictured myself holding this baby I wish I had in my womb but didn't. !. We have a beautiful son who is also a miracle both because I was "pronounced infertile" before I had him and his birth was an early,scary and traumatic one his life, is a miracle. Even with him, I wanted to have another child. I wanted my son to have someone to play with. Someone to grow up with and share all the “fun” things siblings share and that I ( as an only child) never had.

I remember the horrible and many new years eves, (5 of them to be exact) where I cried myself to sleep... just torn that I wasn't able to give my husband that other baby he wanted one day. I cannot even begin to tell you how horrible it was to be "late" every month and you test to only get a negatve test month after month, year after year. the kick in the gut feeling is just impossible to describe. Not to mention the feeling of failure as a woman. When its YOU with the problem you just feel like the smallest most insignificant thing in the face of the earth.

Facebook was a flooded with baby news and ultrasounds. All I wanted to do in anger was post a picture of an empty uterus and say "Look my empty uterus"!!!!!! It was genuinly happy for my friends but at the same time torn inside that no matter how many Drs I went to and how many procedures we did, we still couldnt share the joy of announcing a pregnancy of our own yet the WORLD seemed to be pregnant around me.

I remember on one of my breakdowns earlier last year when my last fertility treatment failed.; I looked up to the sky with teary eyes and asked God “Please God.. fast forward my life.. get me out of this pain and put me in the moment where Im in the hospital bed holding my baby”.

Well.. this is my fast forward.. well almost lol. 2 weeks away from that moment I have dreamed of for so many years. At night when I go to sleep Im filled with emotions and thoughts of how wonderful it will be when the nurse puts my baby in my arms.. what will I feel? Will I cry? ( of COURSE I will cry Im crying alrerady as I type and imagine it) LOL! What will it be like to finally hold something you have hurt, cried, and worked so hard to finally get?

The moment I stare into her eyes, I know it will be like the movies.. there will be an imaginary aura surrounding us.. where that moment will heal my heart. All my pain caused by infertility and pregnancy losses will be HEALED! Not erased.. that will never happen.. but they will HEAL.

So here I am .. waiting for my healing moment.

Everybody has a battle of some sort, be it economical, emotional, family, personal, physical, health, NAME IT.. this was my battle.. infertility. I am more than excited to share my victory with you. It has not been easy, but when you have faith, determination and no matter how many times you throw the towel you STILL give it another try.. then God sees you are WORTHY of having what you are fighting for!


- Ruthie Montan