Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Waiting for my "Healing Moment" Part 1 March 23, 2011

As I anxiously anticipate the date we will deliver our baby, a flood of memories and emotions overcome me.

a trip down memory lane.....

Im sure you heard or read about the "odyssey and hardships" we've had to have our 2nd child, and many say "so what? they wanted another kid.. boo-hoo" they couldn't. So the kid couldn't get his lollipop.. boo-hoo Grow up.

It's not even like that. Wanting a child is not the same as wanting an ipad or wii and not being able to get it. We are talking about a human being that comes from the love you share with your partner, a little piece of both of you that forever will remind you that no matter how tough or ugly things get you have a little person that loves you no mater what and thinks the WORLD of you and doesnt care how many mistakes you have made. Just because you have one child ( and by God what a blessing he is in ou rlives). Parenthood has been such an amazing experience, excuse me for being selfish and wanting another one.

It's been almost 3 yrs since my last miscarriage and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to hold the ultrasound in my hand and not break down into tears seeing it. I remember so well the day I had an endometrial biopsy in 2009, I was in so much pain, there was no one to hold my hand. I was crying so hard and I just looked in to the ugly cieling and just pictured myself holding this baby I wish I had in my womb but didn't. !. We have a beautiful son who is also a miracle both because I was "pronounced infertile" before I had him and his birth was an early,scary and traumatic one his life, is a miracle. Even with him, I wanted to have another child. I wanted my son to have someone to play with. Someone to grow up with and share all the “fun” things siblings share and that I ( as an only child) never had.

I remember the horrible and many new years eves, (5 of them to be exact) where I cried myself to sleep... just torn that I wasn't able to give my husband that other baby he wanted one day. I cannot even begin to tell you how horrible it was to be "late" every month and you test to only get a negatve test month after month, year after year. the kick in the gut feeling is just impossible to describe. Not to mention the feeling of failure as a woman. When its YOU with the problem you just feel like the smallest most insignificant thing in the face of the earth.

Facebook was a flooded with baby news and ultrasounds. All I wanted to do in anger was post a picture of an empty uterus and say "Look my empty uterus"!!!!!! It was genuinly happy for my friends but at the same time torn inside that no matter how many Drs I went to and how many procedures we did, we still couldnt share the joy of announcing a pregnancy of our own yet the WORLD seemed to be pregnant around me.

I remember on one of my breakdowns earlier last year when my last fertility treatment failed.; I looked up to the sky with teary eyes and asked God “Please God.. fast forward my life.. get me out of this pain and put me in the moment where Im in the hospital bed holding my baby”.

Well.. this is my fast forward.. well almost lol. 2 weeks away from that moment I have dreamed of for so many years. At night when I go to sleep Im filled with emotions and thoughts of how wonderful it will be when the nurse puts my baby in my arms.. what will I feel? Will I cry? ( of COURSE I will cry Im crying alrerady as I type and imagine it) LOL! What will it be like to finally hold something you have hurt, cried, and worked so hard to finally get?

The moment I stare into her eyes, I know it will be like the movies.. there will be an imaginary aura surrounding us.. where that moment will heal my heart. All my pain caused by infertility and pregnancy losses will be HEALED! Not erased.. that will never happen.. but they will HEAL.

So here I am .. waiting for my healing moment.

Everybody has a battle of some sort, be it economical, emotional, family, personal, physical, health, NAME IT.. this was my battle.. infertility. I am more than excited to share my victory with you. It has not been easy, but when you have faith, determination and no matter how many times you throw the towel you STILL give it another try.. then God sees you are WORTHY of having what you are fighting for!


- Ruthie Montan

No comments:

Post a Comment