It's been a while...it's been so painful, so long. To know a little bit about my story go back to my very first post to read all about it. In short after battling infertility we had a miracle (clomid) baby boy in 2004. He is our pride and joy! 9 months after his birth we started trying for #2 and encountered so many obstacles that added to my infertility and painful losses. On my 2nd post you will read details about my most recent loss back in 2008 and my 4 other losses before that one. It was such a painful experience.
After seeing a fertility Dr in 2009 we underwent a series of invasive tests to determine what was wrong with me. Some questions were answered and even though we did not conceive with the help of the fertility Dr, at least we got answers as to why I miscarried always in my first trimester. 5 losses: 2 chemical pregnancies and 3 confirmed pregnancies ranging from 6 and 11 weeks.
It was found that I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Lieden and MTHFR mutation. In order for me to carry a pregnancy to term or close enough, I had to be put on blood thinners.
Well 2010 came and we did an IUI in January with Bravelle and Ovidrel. The end result was one that we were heartbroken and tired of hearing. FAILURE.
we took February off to recover from such painful news. March came and we did another one. The end result, FAILED!
We were torn, all the money, all the needle poking, all the Dr visits.. why? why did it not work? How could you possibly NOT be pregnant when the Drs literally do everything for you? It was just so overwhelming.
My husband and I were tired. Tired of doing everything by the book and having nothing to show for it. We took a good break. I decided I was not meant to have another child and was convincing myself that I should be grateful and content that I at least had one! but convincing myself made me more sad. The sight of a pregnant woman anywhere in the street was one thing that had me in tears no matter where I was or how many people saw me crying. It was unbearable.
I remember going to toysrus to get a gift for a friend and I wandered off to the baby area. Saw one beautiful crib and running my fingers through the soft mattress I felt the warm tears running down my cheeks. some ppl stared, others gave me a compassionate grin, it must have been weird to see a woman crying over a baby crib.
Well April and May passed ever so faithfully. Like time only knows how to do.. just move on forward no matter what.
In the end of May I went to a regular OB. I decided that I wanted to give this one last try. If it worked well I would finally have that miracle we have fought so hard for, but if it didnt I was determined to forget about having another child and do my best to move on and focus on myself and my marriage not to mention my only son.
Well the Dr only gave me clomid. Which I didnt start taking until June.
Very skeptical I just prepared to get my period and again for failure. I knew it was not going to work and I was sadly mentally preparing for moving on and forgetting my hearts desire to have another child.
Little was I expecting what I saw on July 31st 2010! In the night after fighting myself NOT to test, I gave in, I tested.. and OMG!!!! Could it be? was that two lines? One of them was so faint! I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was walking, I went over to my husband and showed him what I think I saw.
My husband said " Well i see 2 lines, you should test in the morning and see what happens". That next morning tool FOREEVEEERRRR to finally get here lol.
and so I tested, ever so nervous I looked away trying not to peek form the corner of my eyes. 5 minutes passed and I looked back! WOW! YES!!! YES!!!! 2 very dark lines!!!
after crying so much it hit me! OMG no.. what if I miscarry? what do I do? that VERY morning I set up an appt with a high risk Dr I was eyeing for a long time.
I got in just 2 days later. We went over my history and she decided to do things step by step.
she gave me progesterone she wanted me to take until I was 12 weeks. And for now she told me to take aspirin until I could make it to a hematologist( a dr that takes care of blood clotting disorder).
The main thing right now was making sure the pregnancy was viable I was only 5 weeks along. So making me a high risk patient she scheduled an ultrasound for 6,7,9 and 12 weeks.
Ever so nervous on the day of my 6 weeks ultrasound I held my breath. As the technician clicked away with the screen towards her, I stared at the ceiling just waiting for bad news.
in what seemed like ages later she turned the screen towards me to only show me a little grey blob with a flickering heartbeat!!! WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I cried. I cried so much! Scared. That was just 6 weeks, I miscarried my last pregnancy at 11 weeks I was so scared to even think of getting attached to this baby to only lose it too.
my 7 weeks ultrasound came back.. STILL A HEARTBEAT!!! She told me that this was good news and it was very likely this baby would make it. I was not convinced.
9 weeks ultrasound was just wonderful. We saw yet again a much bigger little thing and that little heart was just flickering away! What a beautiful thing to see!
Well 12 weeks came. I went to my OB and she tried the doppler machine to hear the heartbeat from my belly.
static. all we heard was static. the Dr poked and poked and no heartbeat was heard. Crashing.. in just 2 seconds my world was crashing. NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN! My husband turned pale. his eyes wide looking at me just crumble in front of him. My Dr jumped into action and said "no, wait, this is an emergency, let me get you in our imaging center and have an ultrasound done."
I cannot begin to describe how both my husband and I felt as we were waiting to be squeezed in to the ultrasound place since it was an emergency and we were not in the schedule. Around noon we finally got a spot and we went in. So scared. the technician had the screen towards her as usual, my eyes were to blurry with tears to focus on anything I was just waiting for the bad news. It was gone. I knew the baby was gone.
Then this sound broke our silence.. a fast rhythmic "thump thump thump thump... " I knew that sound! That was the sound of LIFE!!! I started to cry so hard I was shaking! she turned on a screen to the wall and MY GOD WHAT A SURPRISE!!! after only seeing a blobish image before.. here in front of me I see an image of a fully formed human baby!! MY BABY!!!!
My husband and I held hands and I just wept! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I don't know how many times I said that!
I was expecting the worst. And I just saw my 2nd little miracle right then and there! TO ME!! THIS WAS HAPPENING TO ME!! THIS WAS MY BABY IN MY BELLY AND IT WAS ALIVE AND THRIVING!!!!
Finally.. a reward! This was our reward! We showed our son we finally were having that "sibling" he was always asking for!
We went back at 15 weeks for an ultrasound and were told the baby looked like it was a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! but it wasn't 100% sure until 20 weeks. She gave us some pictures of the baby and after seeing my son;s old ultrasounds I was sure it was really a girl.
Well 20 weeks came and most definitely WE ARE HAVING A BABY GIRL!!!!!! What else could I ask for? I had my little prince and after much heartache not only did we finally have our 2nd child.. but it was a GIRL TOO!!! Our family is complete!!!!!!!!
Today I am 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy thriving beautiful baby girl we decided to name HANNAH VICTORIA!
We are beyond estatic and over the moon! We cant wait to finally hold in our arms this piece of heaven God blessed us with.
she will make her Debut in March 2011. She has one eager big brother who always asks " what's taking so long?.. when is Hannah coming home" and a mommy and daddy who overflow with love all for her! Our family is complete! Looking back every tear I ever shed over infertility it has been WORTH IT! Plus I am a mother of angels.. and they watch over us. My angels were barely a few weeks in my womb but God only knows how much I STILL Love them! I will never forget them and I will always count them as my children! My special children who watch over us from above. :)
So this is it... our happy ending! The Happy end to one heck of a story!
We are grateful to God for blessing us again! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!! I still cant believe it finally happened to me!