My Healing Moment Part 2

Finally I can sit down here and write what my Healing moment felt like before the memories get hazy. March 23rd 2011 just a day from my scheduled c-section. That night my husband and I tipy toed to my sleeping son's bed...he was so angelical sleeping so soundly. My husband put his hand on my belly.. and saw that I was crying. Finally.... sigh... FINALLY we see the day all this heartache and horrible battle was over! 1 more day..no just a few hours and I would be in the hospital delivering our 2nd miracle we longed for so long!

That night while my husband slept anxiety had me up all night long, as I lay on my bed I just cried. I was so afraid this was all a dream and I would as usual wake up to my harsh reality. It was surreal, Im having this baby I've been aching to hold for so long.

Ever so slowly the morning of March 24th arrived. Surprised I fell asleep I jumped from my bed and was surprisingly ready in about 20 minutes! lol

at 6AM We dropped off our son at my neighbor to take him to school we were to check in at the hospital at 7AM. I waddled to the elevator to the the L&D with my hubby. The nurse came over to put all em tubes and stuff on me. After I was all set and ready we waited for the Dr's signal and start our c-section scheduled for 9:30AM. Well 9:30 came and we were still waiting. The Dr came in and told us there was an emergency c-section going on and if we could wait a little longer. We were ok ..but anxiety kicked even more!!

Finally at 11AM I walked to the OR.. I had my epidural done and there I lay on the bed. My husband came to sit behind me a few minutes later and the Dr said "Let's do this"!

My husband held my hand.. the baby wasn't born yet and I was already crying. Nervous and scared. I was very numb and only felt the Dr moving me around if that makes any sense like a pulling feeling. The Dr and the nurses were chit chatting away as they "dug in my guts" lol.

Finally.. I heard something.. a yelp.. then a short cry...then it progressed to a steady loud crying. SHE'S HERE!!!!!!! 11:23AM the Dr shouted!! My husband was kissing me and teary eyed, he moved aside to give way to the nurse who carried my baby. WOW... my baby. I saw her upside down and she was just PERFECT!! I cried.. I cried so much!!!! I kissed her.. for the first time. ( tears rolling down my cheeks as I type). My little Hannah.. our miracle, I felt this love. This love I had bottled up and it burst! I just loved her so much and she was a few seconds old! I would give my life for her!!!



They took her behind me to do all the tests and things they do to newborns. My husband yelled 7 pounds 12 oz!!! 20 inches long!!! WOW!!! My little miracle!!!

My Hannah Victoria!

Once they closed me up and had me in the delivery room I was surprised to see my husband walking towards me with our baby in his arms. The nurse walked in stripped her down to her diaper and put her in my chest.

WOW.. her warm body sent this amazing warm loving feeling through my entire body. She's here..in my arms.. my husband and I just looked at each other with a grin, and I could tell in his eyes he too was relieved all this heartbreaking journey was finally over!

I will NEVER forget the hardships I had to get "here" and I made it a personal mission to reach out to those who are still fighting. I gave up a MILLION times yet I managed to go back and try again. I hope my story gives hope to those fighting, the wait is long, the things we are put through are painful and tough, and the failures crush you to the core, but our miracles are worth our fight, and even if treatments fail over and over again.. we manage to stand up and FIGHT again!!!.. I know Hannah is worth everything I went through, I pray that even if it took so long for me, that all my friends fighting finally experience the amazing "Healing moment". Its something worth fighting for!



Psalm 55:22

Cast your burden on the Lord, and he will sustain you.

Waiting for my "Healing Moment" Part 1 March 23, 2011

As I anxiously anticipate the date we will deliver our baby, a flood of memories and emotions overcome me.



a trip down memory lane.....

Im sure you heard or read about the "odyssey and hardships" we've had to have our 2nd child, and many say "so what? they wanted another kid.. boo-hoo" they couldn't. So the kid couldn't get his lollipop.. boo-hoo Grow up.

It's not even like that. Wanting a child is not the same as wanting an ipad or wii and not being able to get it. We are talking about a human being that comes from the love you share with your partner, a little piece of both of you that forever will remind you that no matter how tough or ugly things get you have a little person that loves you no mater what and thinks the WORLD of you and doesnt care how many mistakes you have made. Just because you have one child ( and by God what a blessing he is in ou rlives). Parenthood has been such an amazing experience, excuse me for being selfish and wanting another one.



It's been almost 3 yrs since my last miscarriage and it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I was able to hold the ultrasound in my hand and not break down into tears seeing it. I remember so well the day I had an endometrial biopsy in 2009, I was in so much pain, there was no one to hold my hand. I was crying so hard and I just looked in to the ugly cieling and just pictured myself holding this baby I wish I had in my womb but didn't. !. We have a beautiful son who is also a miracle both because I was "pronounced infertile" before I had him and his birth was an early,scary and traumatic one his life, is a miracle. Even with him, I wanted to have another child. I wanted my son to have someone to play with. Someone to grow up with and share all the “fun” things siblings share and that I ( as an only child) never had.



I remember the horrible and many new years eves, (5 of them to be exact) where I cried myself to sleep... just torn that I wasn't able to give my husband that other baby he wanted one day. I cannot even begin to tell you how horrible it was to be "late" every month and you test to only get a negatve test month after month, year after year. the kick in the gut feeling is just impossible to describe. Not to mention the feeling of failure as a woman. When its YOU with the problem you just feel like the smallest most insignificant thing in the face of the earth.



Facebook was a flooded with baby news and ultrasounds. All I wanted to do in anger was post a picture of an empty uterus and say "Look my empty uterus"!!!!!! It was genuinly happy for my friends but at the same time torn inside that no matter how many Drs I went to and how many procedures we did, we still couldnt share the joy of announcing a pregnancy of our own yet the WORLD seemed to be pregnant around me.



I remember on one of my breakdowns earlier last year when my last fertility treatment failed.; I looked up to the sky with teary eyes and asked God “Please God.. fast forward my life.. get me out of this pain and put me in the moment where Im in the hospital bed holding my baby”.



Well.. this is my fast forward.. well almost lol. 2 weeks away from that moment I have dreamed of for so many years. At night when I go to sleep Im filled with emotions and thoughts of how wonderful it will be when the nurse puts my baby in my arms.. what will I feel? Will I cry? ( of COURSE I will cry Im crying alrerady as I type and imagine it) LOL! What will it be like to finally hold something you have hurt, cried, and worked so hard to finally get?



The moment I stare into her eyes, I know it will be like the movies.. there will be an imaginary aura surrounding us.. where that moment will heal my heart. All my pain caused by infertility and pregnancy losses will be HEALED! Not erased.. that will never happen.. but they will HEAL.

So here I am .. waiting for my healing moment.



Everybody has a battle of some sort, be it economical, emotional, family, personal, physical, health, NAME IT.. this was my battle.. infertility. I am more than excited to share my victory with you. It has not been easy, but when you have faith, determination and no matter how many times you throw the towel you STILL give it another try.. then God sees you are WORTHY of having what you are fighting for!



No matter what your battle is… YOU CAN OVERCOME ANY OBSTACLES! I KNOW YOU CAN! YOU CAN DO IT!



- Ruthie Montan

Miracles DO HAPPEN!!! 5 yrs battling infertility and pregnancy loss..FINALLY we're having our 2nd miracle!

It's been a while...it's been so painful, so long. To know a little bit about my story go back to my very first post to read all about it. In short after battling infertility we had a miracle (clomid) baby boy in 2004. He is our pride and joy! 9 months after his birth we started trying for #2 and encountered so many obstacles that added to my infertility and painful losses. On my 2nd post you will read details about my most recent loss back in 2008 and my 4 other losses before that one. It was such a painful experience.
After seeing a fertility Dr in 2009 we underwent a series of invasive tests to determine what was wrong with me. Some questions were answered and even though we did not conceive with the help of the fertility Dr, at least we got answers as to why I miscarried always in my first trimester. 5 losses: 2 chemical pregnancies and 3 confirmed pregnancies ranging from 6 and 11 weeks.
It was found that I have a blood clotting disorder called Factor V Lieden and MTHFR mutation. In order for me to carry a pregnancy to term or close enough, I had to be put on blood thinners.
Well 2010 came and we did an IUI in January with Bravelle and Ovidrel. The end result was one that we were heartbroken and tired of hearing. FAILURE.
we took February off to recover from such painful news. March came and we did another one. The end result, FAILED!
We were torn, all the money, all the needle poking, all the Dr visits.. why? why did it not work? How could you possibly NOT be pregnant when the Drs literally do everything for you? It was just so overwhelming.

My husband and I were tired. Tired of doing everything by the book and having nothing to show for it. We took a good break. I decided I was not meant to have another child and was convincing myself that I should be grateful and content that I at least had one! but convincing myself made me more sad. The sight of a pregnant woman anywhere in the street was one thing that had me in tears no matter where I was or how many people saw me crying. It was unbearable.
I remember going to toysrus to get a gift for a friend and I wandered off to the baby area. Saw one beautiful crib and running my fingers through the soft mattress I felt the warm tears running down my cheeks. some ppl stared, others gave me a compassionate grin, it must have been weird to see a woman crying over a baby crib.
Well April and May passed ever so faithfully. Like time only knows how to do.. just move on forward no matter what.
In the end of May I went to a regular OB. I decided that I wanted to give this one last try. If it worked well I would finally have that miracle we have fought so hard for, but if it didnt I was determined to forget about having another child and do my best to move on and focus on myself and my marriage not to mention my only son.
Well the Dr only gave me clomid. Which I didnt start taking until June.
Very skeptical I just prepared to get my period and again for failure. I knew it was not going to work and I was sadly mentally preparing for moving on and forgetting my hearts desire to have another child.
Little was I expecting what I saw on July 31st 2010! In the night after fighting myself NOT to test, I gave in, I tested.. and OMG!!!! Could it be? was that two lines? One of them was so faint! I was crying so hard I could barely see where I was walking, I went over to my husband and showed him what I think I saw.
My husband said " Well i see 2 lines, you should test in the morning and see what happens". That next morning tool FOREEVEEERRRR to finally get here lol.
and so I tested, ever so nervous I looked away trying not to peek form the corner of my eyes. 5 minutes passed and I looked back! WOW! YES!!! YES!!!! 2 very dark lines!!!

after crying so much it hit me! OMG no.. what if I miscarry? what do I do? that VERY morning I set up an appt with a high risk Dr I was eyeing for a long time.
I got in just 2 days later. We went over my history and she decided to do things step by step.
she gave me progesterone she wanted me to take until I was 12 weeks. And for now she told me to take aspirin until I could make it to a hematologist( a dr that takes care of blood clotting disorder).
The main thing right now was making sure the pregnancy was viable I was only 5 weeks along. So making me a high risk patient she scheduled an ultrasound for 6,7,9 and 12 weeks.
Ever so nervous on the day of my 6 weeks ultrasound I held my breath. As the technician clicked away with the screen towards her, I stared at the ceiling just waiting for bad news.
in what seemed like ages later she turned the screen towards me to only show me a little grey blob with a flickering heartbeat!!! WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!!! I cried. I cried so much! Scared. That was just 6 weeks, I miscarried my last pregnancy at 11 weeks I was so scared to even think of getting attached to this baby to only lose it too.
my 7 weeks ultrasound came back.. STILL A HEARTBEAT!!! She told me that this was good news and it was very likely this baby would make it. I was not convinced.
9 weeks ultrasound was just wonderful. We saw yet again a much bigger little thing and that little heart was just flickering away! What a beautiful thing to see!
Well 12 weeks came. I went to my OB and she tried the doppler machine to hear the heartbeat from my belly.
static. all we heard was static. the Dr poked and poked and no heartbeat was heard. Crashing.. in just 2 seconds my world was crashing. NOT AGAIN! NOT AGAIN! PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN! My husband turned pale. his eyes wide looking at me just crumble in front of him. My Dr jumped into action and said "no, wait, this is an emergency, let me get you in our imaging center and have an ultrasound done."

I cannot begin to describe how both my husband and I felt as we were waiting to be squeezed in to the ultrasound place since it was an emergency and we were not in the schedule. Around noon we finally got a spot and we went in. So scared. the technician had the screen towards her as usual, my eyes were to blurry with tears to focus on anything I was just waiting for the bad news. It was gone. I knew the baby was gone.
Then this sound broke our silence.. a fast rhythmic "thump thump thump thump... " I knew that sound! That was the sound of LIFE!!! I started to cry so hard I was shaking! she turned on a screen to the wall and MY GOD WHAT A SURPRISE!!! after only seeing a blobish image before.. here in front of me I see an image of a fully formed human baby!! MY BABY!!!!
My husband and I held hands and I just wept! THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU! THANK YOU! I don't know how many times I said that!
I was expecting the worst. And I just saw my 2nd little miracle right then and there! TO ME!! THIS WAS HAPPENING TO ME!! THIS WAS MY BABY IN MY BELLY AND IT WAS ALIVE AND THRIVING!!!!
Finally.. a reward! This was our reward! We showed our son we finally were having that "sibling" he was always asking for!

We went back at 15 weeks for an ultrasound and were told the baby looked like it was a GIRL!!!!!!!!!!! but it wasn't 100% sure until 20 weeks. She gave us some pictures of the baby and after seeing my son;s old ultrasounds I was sure it was really a girl.

Well 20 weeks came and most definitely WE ARE HAVING A BABY GIRL!!!!!! What else could I ask for? I had my little prince and after much heartache not only did we finally have our 2nd child.. but it was a GIRL TOO!!! Our family is complete!!!!!!!!

Today I am 27 weeks pregnant with a healthy thriving beautiful baby girl we decided to name HANNAH VICTORIA!
We are beyond estatic and over the moon! We cant wait to finally hold in our arms this piece of heaven God blessed us with.
she will make her Debut in March 2011. She has one eager big brother who always asks " what's taking so long?.. when is Hannah coming home" and a mommy and daddy who overflow with love all for her! Our family is complete! Looking back every tear I ever shed over infertility it has been WORTH IT! Plus I am a mother of angels.. and they watch over us. My angels were barely a few weeks in my womb but God only knows how much I STILL Love them! I will never forget them and I will always count them as my children! My special children who watch over us from above. :)

So this is it... our happy ending! The Happy end to one heck of a story!
We are grateful to God for blessing us again! MIRACLES DO HAPPEN!! I still cant believe it finally happened to me!

How a miscarriage can overshadow the joy of the next pregnancy

Being a mother is something every little girl plays or dreams about at some point. Time passes and we mature, get married and then the time comes where we try to achieve that dream. Some women, like me, come to find many bumps down that road. That amazing day I got married my husband and I didn't even have to mention the word "baby" it was in our eyes, it was all around us.. it came naturally. ( the feeling of having one) We, like every young couple in love thought.. well sex leads to babies. That's what we've been taught in school and at home. Simple as that.

Months came by, nothing. Years came by, nothing. Was there something we didn't know? What was it? We decided to seek medical help in hopes of finding answers. That's just what we got, answers. Unwelcome ones.

I was Diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome which cause hormonal imbalances leading to annovulation. ( the inability to ovulate) Well we had great news, with treatment our chances of conceiving were great. after many blood test, injections, pills, and waiting. The time came to test for pregnancy. Negative.

Stunned as to what might have gone wrong we went to our Doctor in hopes he had answers. The doctor did an ultrasound to see what must have happened and to our surprise there it was. A tiny bean like spot, and one amazing sound, a heartbeat! We were 6 weeks along and had no idea why the tests were coming back negative when there was an obvious thriving baby inside of us.

Those answers came back simply as, the lab must have mixed up my blood sample. Regardless of that we were thrilled that the fertility medications worked and we had a beautiful baby on it's way. We had a wonderful pregnancy for the first 2 trimesters...then close to the third trimester many complications and obstacles came afloat dealing with high blood pressure, stress and low amniotic fluid. At just 34 weeks I gave birth via emergency c-section a prefect 4 and a half pound preemie baby boy. We were struck with parenthood and were in awe to see something so beautiful come from us.

A couple of years passed, not really avoiding and never conceived on our own. We sought medical assistance again and conceived in no time a miracle. Then tragedy hit. After the euphoria of finding out at home, and getting confirmation by the hospital that we indeed were expecting, a couple of days later we found ourselves in the emergency room bleeding horribly.

The news quickly came to us that we had suffered a miscarriage at approximately 5-6 weeks gestation. Torn to pieces we went home, with not much answers. Just sadness and grief. So many beautiful thoughts gone.

Our Family said it was best we give ourselves time to heal emotionally and physically so we gave it a break. The urge to have another child squeezed my heart at the site of a pregnant woman on the street, or a young mother pushing a stroller, a tiny onesie on a store.

Then came the time when we were ready to try again. Mixed emotions and fear struck both of us, but we were very hopeful. We underwent yet again fertility treatments conceiving once again first try. What a blessing! Our first scan revealed a 7 week thriving beautiful baby, kicking at such an early stage it was beyond amazing. We were thrilled to be parents again. My husband and my son spoke to my belly, caressed it and we all were very happy truly believing this was finally going to be a happy pregnancy.

The day for my second scan came by and we were thrilled to know how the baby was doing. We took out little boy who was so excited at such a young age about "mommy's baby in the belly".

My turn to go in came and anxiety killing me the tech put the Doppler. That very machine that had us hear this amazing beautiful sound of life just a couple of weeks ago.. this time around was silent... just static. Fear and grief hit me as I knew what that meant. ( tears are rolling down my eyes right now) Our true miracle had passed away. I felt weak, emotions of failure, anger, grief. Our worst nightmare came to life that day.

I would have never thought someone could be struck by such situation repeatedly.

Pregnancy for us was not a happy thought anymore. It was a ghost of sadness, grief and loss. To this day we are still struggling to carry a pregnancy to term 5 years after the birth of our beautiful baby boy. We have suffered 5 miscarriages with not much answers other than it is related to PCOS and hormonal fluctuations.

We are currently getting ready for a different approach, Artificial insemination or IUI. We are getting many test done to make sure everything is is mint shape to get pregnant again.

We already have found a coupe of obstacles, but they are easy to take care of. We are very hopeful this time we are in the right hands, and that this time, hopefully we are blessed with a healthy uneventful pregnancy. The ghost of our miscarriages is something that will spoil the happiness and joy of being pregnant. No longer will we be relaxed and happy, we will be worried and overcome with fear.

Miscarriages, no matter how early is something very painful and that takes time to heal. You can live to be 80 and still hurt over that little baby.. and ask to yourself, "what would it have been if that little baby was born?"

Accepting, letting go and saying goodbye

Sept 11th 2008

Really excited I sat on my computer desk.. rubbing my belly and having happy thoughts..just 30 more minutes and I would see my little one.... I took my web cam and snapped some shots..





I was 11weeks 1 day.. time came to go to the Ultrasound place.. my husband couldn't go with me that day so I took Erick with me. I went to the waiting room I was first in line.. I was early I got there at 8:00AM but the tech was not to arrive till 9:30AM. UGH



As more pregnant women came in all of us looked at each other and started chit chatting about babies, pregnancy and family and stuff... while Erick played with other children that were there too...



time really flew as we chit chatted the Tech arrived and I was called in first... Some mothers there reassured me to leave Erick with them ( since he was not allowed in the room till the Nurse said ok) So he stayed with them and an old nurse there....they took him to a childrens area with cartoons on the TV and some toys..

nervous and excited... I was a bit scared because of my prev. losses but reassured myself that everything was going to be ok.. since I saw my baby so active and wonderfully healthy at 7 weeks.

So I undressed and there I lay.. on the bed... the tech put the probe on my tummy and just had an expressionless face. She was poking quite hard with it and I made a few wimping noises... she kept going.. I heard her turn on the dopller ( the device that you can hear the heartbeat) all I heard was static.. thats when I looked at her puzzled... she did NOT look at me ONCE... her face was concentrated on the screen... she jabbed me with it and static.... only static.. I knew.. I KNEW something was wrong.. I started to cry.

She said.. I need you to empty your baldder... I need to do another ultrasound... not saying anyting else... I put the paper wrap over me... and went to the bathroom in the same room to empty my bladder.. and went back on the bed... ( still crying) She put in the probe and poked me even harder.. I was wimping and crying.. SHE STILL wouldn't look at me... I said to her in a tiny voice... "the baby is dead right?" she didn't say anything nor she looked at me.. I said to her in a stronger voice.. " Look I have miscarried a couple of times before.. all I need to know is the baby dead?"

She finally looked at me.. a really grave face.. and in a tiny voice she said : I'm sorry you have a non-viable pregnancy"

.. non viable pregnancy... non viable pregnancy.. it rang and rang and echoed in my head.. non viable pregnancy.............

completetly still in place.. it's like time stopped... when I felt myself breating again I stood up crying harder and I dunno how or where I found strength but I put on my clothes.. I opened the door to go out and my knees went weak.. I fell to the floor.. my head on a chair.. I sobbed.. hard... Erick came running to me and said to someone I dunno who.. "mommy is crying".. I heard them taking him to the other room while I felt ppls hands on my shoulder.. I couldn't stand up... my knees were not working...

I saw a glass of water being given to me.. and through tears and choking a bit I drank some.. and managed to sit on the chair with help of many women there.. I noticed some pregnant women were crying.. and they were also taken to another room...

I remembered Erick and suddenly reality hit me I went to him and hugged him.. hard...... I found my cell.. and shaking I called my husband... I was crying so hard.. he was silent.. without a single word.. he said " I'll be there"... I hung up.



I was not allowed to go to the main room as there were other pregnant women there waiting.. and I guess they didn't want no one to see me... so I was taken out through the back door and hubby was there waiting for me.. and old lady said to me.. "have strength.. thinngs happen for a reason."I closed the car door looked at her and nodded.. and in complete silence.. showed hubby the paper.. with the big " non viable pregnancy" on top.



My husband was blank.. silent... he put his hand on my shoulder.. and said "I'm sorry"



all that happened that day is a blur..... the next day I was in the hospital for a scheduled D&C ( the srugical procedure used to remove the dead fetus from your body).... I was put to sleep ... once I woke up I felt empty... lonely...

sad... not "just" sad... like my SOUL was sad.. gloomy.. it was raining outside.. dark.. it's like the Heavens were crying with me... I never thought in my life this was going to happen to me again...

but it did.... it did. It has been one year.. I survived my Due Date April 2nd 2009.... and I know I will survive again... but all the memories are still so fresh in my mind.. and the pain is still there....



I struggle to have another child... but I have one miracle in front of me growing and loving me as the days pass by.. he reminds me not to give up.. as he too was conceived on fertility medicine. He too almost didn't make it.. he came early into my arms... just 4 and a half pounds... but 4 and a half pounds of PURITY and PERFECTION... a GIFT from above.. God gave me Erick.. to remind me that he is there.... that he promised me a blessing and he stands right in front of me right now.



I have lost many Angels... and I love them all equally.. this one was a little bit more painful.. because I met her, saw her move and heard her heartbeat... I have 5 Angel babies in total 3 confirmed by Doctors and 2 lost too early...

I had fetal tissue analysis done.. the cause of miscarriage was unknown and dteremined it was hormonal. Genetic screening came back normal.. and the results came back saying she was XX
( female).

We named her Amy Grace.



Letter to Amy Grace and My angles:



Dear Amy and my little Angels,

I miss you so much. I wish I had you here with me& playing with your brother. I wish I could hold you. Many ppl have the honor to hold their angels.. I never got to hold or kiss you. But you remain in my heart and your memory will live with me... I never stop thinking of you.. and I know I can hear you at night.... when I feel warm tears roll down my cheks.. I feel the softness of your kisses.. and I hear you whispering to me " Mommy we are happy here..we know you love us and we watch over you from here."

God needed you in Heaven.. he had better plans for you.. He gave you all to me.. and even if for a short time I carried you in my womb... but God knows you were loved... from the very start.

Daddy, Erick and I miss you and have not forgotten you. Erick is so small yet he knows so much. He remembers the sound of your heartbeat and asks me when will you come.. I tell him.. one day in heaven.. we will all play together. And Maybe one Day not too far god will send us a miracle to play and be yorupartner in crime.



My angels are happy, they play with Jesus family and friends.. and I know they watch over us.. we feel their presence in the flowers and the warm sun.



We miss you very much.. not one day passes by that I don't think of you...but one day not too far we will all reunite in heaven and run through infinite meadows and play with beautiful creations.. we will have peace... and live in eternal happiness with Jesus, Family and Friends.



In Loving Memory of Amy Grace ( 9-11-08) and the Montan Angel Babies ( 4 little Angels)

This is my story living with PCOS, MTHFR mutation, Factor V. Lieden and losing 3 confirmed pregnancies and 2 un- confirmed pregnancies:

This is my story living with PCOS, MTHFR mutation, Factor V. Lieden and losing 3 confirmed pregnancies and 2 un- confirmed pregnancies:

I got my period when I was 9... They were extremely painful, heavy and irregular as a teen (and funny that they relate PCOS to obese women.. I was stick thin throughout my entire teens) So PCOS can be on anyone I guess. Well.. we never thought anything about it till 1999 I decided to see a doctor.. my periods were so severe I missed out on school every month!! It was really bad. Well the doc did a blood test to check my hormones and they came out that my "feminine" hormones were low and that "testosterone" (the male hormone) was dominant. that cause me not to ovulate at all.
then he followed by an ultrasound revealing a LOT of water filled cysts on both rather enlarged ovaries. At that age I didn't really get what infertility meant. I never thought of it again and continued my life. I met the man who is now my husband in 2000.
We started dating and well in 2003 we got married and I was wondering about "something" a doctor once said. So I decided to go back to the doc after all those years and yup.. still the same. PCOS.
I explained how I was ready for children so doc put me on Clomid and Metformin and a shot too...
I got pregnant first try. But I had many complications due to PCOS.. high blood pressure the whole way which resulted in early delivery of my son at 34 weeks. Thank God he is my true miracle , he is almost 5 now!
My story just starts there... when he was 9 months I wanted to try for 2 and underwent the same fertility meds.. again getting pregnant first try. but.. unfortunately I miscarried at 6w2d. It was really sad. I didn't handle it well so I didn't even seek medical help till a year later to TTC ( try to conceive) again. ( by the way in all that time my periods were close to nonexistent)
then in June of 2006 I underwent fertility meds again (the same ones) and BINGO!! pregnant agian1!! and again at 6w4d .. my WORST NIGHTMARE AND FEAR! Miscarriage 2.
My heart.. I couldn't take it no more. I just.. I still don't have words to explain how much it hurts. So much!!!
The doctors found out the reason for my miscarriages.. low progesterone. ( related to PCOS?? maybe) SO I just didn't want to see a doc again. So I decided to try again in 2007.
Problem... I skipped Jan-Aug ( my period.. none at all) and finally on Aug 28th I got my freaking period. It LASTED ALL THE WAY TILL OCTOBER 24th!!!!! almost 3 months of HEAVY PAINFUL BLEEDING!! I passed out with extreme anemia. The doctors couldn't believe my case. They said I had the worse PCOS case they have ever encountered.
( Lucky me.. uughhh)
Well the doc was really touched by my story and how desperately I wanted a child.. a sibling for my son.. and she referred me to this specialist.
He said before I even thought of trying he had to regulate my cycles (periods) so he put me on birth control pills for 4 months ( that was the plan at least) and then he would "experiment" with meds.. Can you call me Lab Rat??.. I think that would suit me perfectly.. no gunny pig!!
Guess what??.. I started BC pills and never got my period!! I skipped Nov and got it on Dec...then skipped Jan & Feb 2008 and then on March 1st My period!!!
I kept on using the darn pills and got my period on April.. the doc was ready for me to try again. He put me on 200mg of CLomid (this time the highest dose that's how bad I was) and 1000mg of Metofrmin and a progesterone cream ( so I don't miscarry again) I started all that on May 21st ( my period) and I used ovulation tests, you name it. I did everything. cycle day 20 came.. I tested.. nothing. cycle day 30 came by.. nothing....cycle day 40 passed by.. nothing!!!!!! cycle day 50 passed by.. NOTHING!! NOTHING!! NEGATIVE NEGATIVE!!! I was at the verge of depression.
OMG cycle day 60 came by..NOTHING!!!
then.. on Cycle day 62.. in the night... I sobbed. no I wept. I felt like my son was most likely to be my only one.
I cried myself to sleep.. so bad hubby even cried. He did everything to help me conceive. nothing.. my heart was just numb. I couldn't even cry anymore. on cycle day 63 like at 6AM I had like 4 pregnancy tests left and I decided to use em.. just for the heck of it! (excuse my language)
I peed on one (first response) As soon as the pee hit the "Test" line.. nothing happened. through blurred eyes (with tears) I threw it in the cabinet and left to bed....
Crying all over again.. my husband hugged me.. and noticed I left the bathroom lights on.. so I got out of bed and went there to turn it off. Something told me to look at the darn tests.. and OMG!!! My eyes couldn't believe what I saw!! 2 lines??.. Is this for real???
so faint... but there. If I say that I cried, laughed and screamed at the same time .. would you believe me???
this was my test that day.. so faint. (here's the pic)

I ran to hubby and after turning on the light.. he squinted and said.. well I see "something".
So we went later on that same day to the doc.. and they did a test and confirmed I was pregnant ( 7/22) . So they calculated from my last period ( 5/21) that I was 9 weeks along. I was like..eeerrrrr... no wait. no. I didn't find out till cycle day 63 there is no way I was 9 weeks. So she said ok lets do an u/s. I was so right! Fertility meds and all.. even if I started them on May 24th.. I did NOT ovulate till JULY 1st!!!! ( 200
So as I said I was so right.. the u/s revealed I was barely implanted I was more like 3 weeks close to 4.
Well.. at least my pregnancy was confirmed. But.. the doctor said... test again in a couple of days.. if the lines are faint then we need to see you.
so on Aug 1st I decided to test again and OMG!!!! ( here's the pic)


That was the darkest test I have ever had! So I called the doc and she said.. well you are good to go cuz I gave you progesterone.. I need you to be 8 weeks to do the next ultrasound and actually "see something"

Well I got lucky.. the nurse called me that someone had canceled and she told me to come in on 8/15/08.
Well we talked about my history and all that stuff. At first the doc did a tummy u/s and she didn't see nothing.. so she told me my bladder was full and to go empty it.. ( the fact that she didn't see anything had my brain thinking all sorts of stuff. .. I was in the verge of tears..) So OMG my heart pounding in my throat with anticipation she still had the screen towards her so she did the vag. u/s. she was silent.. then she said "yup" and I looked at her questioningly.. she turned the screen and through blurred eyes with tears I sobbed so hard of joy that I was shaking the bed..LOL
I made the doctor CRY!! HEHEEH

She said she has never had a patient react that way.. and I say you have no idea the pain I went through to finally see this miracle. OMG I'm tearing up!! Sorry...
I thank GOD almighty for blessing me!! Thanks to him he made the CLomid works.. and since I lost my 2 prev babies on week 6 when she told me the baby measures 7 weeks I was overjoyed. That heartbeat. OMG!! What a beautiful sound!It was music to my ears!!
What a great thing it is to finally have this life in side! what a wonderful blessing!!!!

unfortunately on 9/11/08.... my angel grew wings.... I'm devastated all over again. Not my happy ending huh?.. sniff sniff.. Please God stop my tears, stop my pain, I'm brokenhearted!!!!!
I was 11w1d but the baby was already dead since week 10. RIP my sweet angel go play with your 2 siblings in heaven.
So here I am , empty arms, empty womb and brokenhearted.all over again.
Among all of this... there is something deep in my heart saying.. "it will happen.. DON'T GIVE UP JUST YET"
I won't. I WON'T!!!!!!!!!! Here is to 2009 and a baby I won't give up on.. I know I will rejoice with baby news.. in 2009. I can feel it in my heart.

...Soooooooooooo.. continuation...
AF has been pretty much rare.. 9/12 I got a D&C... first spotting Jan30th on and off throughout Feb. March 4-8 red bleeding AF I assume.. then stopped... I was Trying but not really not taking meds or anything at all to TTC..
3/26/09
3/27/09
sooo .. I'm assuming this is my miracle.. TRUE miracle... and if words could describe how I feel right now.. crazy, excited, scared, happy, sad, nervous, about to puke... holy mother of Jesus!!!!!!!!!!!!

..Updated 3/28/09
I went to ER had a BT done I was not even priority of course since it was not en emergency) so I waited all friggin day long.. anxiety killing me!.. HCG was not high enough to be positive.. am bleeding.. suspected Chemical preg. or blighted ovum.. no u/s done.. just gave me a paper with that info... but the bleeding confirms all is over now...
One day.. ...
One day.....
it will happen......
One...... Day.

CONTINUATION...
I bled for 6 weeks went to ER twice nothign was done.. NOTHING AT ALL!! I ended up going to planned parenthood and got one box of Oral contraceptive ( BC pills) the bleeding stopped 3 days after starting the BC pills. I had a pap done.. cancer scare.. but came back clear!! YAY! June 1st FINALLY arrived.. I got my Health Insurance!!! YAY!
So AF decided to come back June 3rd
I called in the Fertility Clinic I was eying for MONTHS now.. Made an appt for June 11th!
So since June 11th this is what has happened so far:
June 11th 2009: That day came after MUCH anxiety and hope I guess.. the Dr??. .WE'RE IN LOVE WITH HIM!!!
We spoke about EVERYTHING .. EVERYTHING and he gave me such a long list of tests to do I a still overwhelmed 3 days later. LMAO But here's the plan.
PLAN: Get all the necessary tesst done in THIS cycle.. to get ready for the next step. The doctor wants to do somethign different in terms of TTC this time around and our best option is IUI. ( Artificial Insemination)
June 12th 2009- Hysteroscopy : insertion of camera through the cervix into the uterus to take pics of uterine walls
what they found: Polyps and scar tissue form my D&C's.
Blood work both hubby and I : checking for genetic stuff and hormones all that fun stuff
June 13th2009 - transvag u/s revealed of course cystic ovaries both sides.. good news??.. cysts are small YAY! ( but a lot )

Before June 18th : Hysterosalpingogram : http://www.answers.com/topic/hysterosalpingogram-medical-test-the-female-reproductive-system

June 19th 2009: Biopsy where they do the same hysteroscopy but this timre with some sort of tool to cut out polyps and do a Biopsy
Before next cycle hubby has to give sample of Semen for analysis, elimination of bad ones.. and freezing those to use on the IUI day I suppose in July.

so 28 days from June 3rd my LMP we will start injectables ( of course if all the lab tests come good) and hopefully we will get preggers in July. crossing our fingers, toes, hair , arms and legs.

July 22nd: All our results came back PERFECT!!!!! Everything was normal genetic testing biopsy EVERYTHING! We are ready to go!!!!
WOOHOOO!!!
This is the Clinic and Dr. I'm seeing is Suna M. Qasim
http://www.infertilitydocs.com/infertility/about.html

CONTINUATION....
So I have not gotten my period since June 3rd and by the end of this week I will get it induced to undergo the following fertility treatment for August 2009:
I found some videos that show what I will be doing.

First I will be getting some shots ( Gonal-F) to kicks my ovaries into making eggs( plus oral pills like Metformin ( glucophage) to help my insulin resistance, baby aspririn and a prescription for my HB pressure)
I will have an ultrasound every other day to measure the follicles that contain the eggs, around cycle day 10 if they see a follicle big enough with a mature egg they will give me one last shot called Profasi ( HCG shot) which will rupture the follicle therefore releasing my egg)
that day my husband has to hand in a fresh sample of semen where they quickly process in a lab to flush out the bad one and they put the good sperm in a serum which they insert into my uterus via a catheter through my cervix.
it's a lot but it will all be worth it. Once the actual IUI is done then I will be in the 2ww waiting to test and 14 days after they do a blood test to confirm if it was successful or not. ( hoping it will be)
Here are the videos

Gonal-F shots: ( WARNING Graphic)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHEyyB0IKNY&feature=related
IUI: ( WARNING Graphic)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qCdIiLLF0vw

8-11-09
here's my update:
So...... here's the deal.. I got my period (on it's own) on Friday 8/7/09 at 4PM and called the Fertility Dr ( as they were waiting for AF to start me on meds for the IUI)
PROBLEM:
My meds won't be here till next week and it will be too late to start em.. I do have some for 3 days ( they give you 3 of everything to hold you for 3 days till you get the meds from the pharmacy) but they won't be enough to hold till my pharmacy ships my meds ... so I'm saving them.. sigh for next cycle. It won't kill me.. I'm on CD4 so I have to wait 24 more days to get provera ( a hormone pill that makes your AF come mine take 3 months or more to come so that's why I need it) to start my period then and THEN get the party started. I have a prescription for Glucophage ( Metformin) to start this week... and for now this will be it once I start the IUI meds and have the sperm inserted into my hoo-ha I have here with me the progesterone suppositories I will be using till I get a BFP! ( hopefully I will)
As of all of my lab work, blood tests, biopsy etc etc.. everything came back fine! ( THANK GOD)
BUUUUUUUTTTTTTT... here's a NEW diagnosis.
As if I don't have enough!

I'm officially diagnosed with
MTHFRmutation ( nooo not mother f***er ok?.. tee hee heeee)and Factor V. Lieden
Factor V Lieden
http://www.fvleiden.org/
MTHFR mutatiotn
http://www.fvleiden.org/ask/51.html

8-28-09
As per my last annoucncment about my diagnosis I got that over the phone.. so today I went in to sit down and talk things over. Again this is my perinatologist the high risk pregnancy Dr who I will be handed over after I achieve pregnancy with my fertility Dr.
uumm so I have PCOS, MTHFR mutation ( genetic) and I have Factor V Lieden.
All combined are pretty much the cause of my losses.
Factor V Lieden causes many heart, vascular problems I already have the beginnings of an the Dr said left unreated he doubts I make it past my 40's or 50's.
1 out my 4 children WILL come out with this mutation if not serious complications.. whch makes so much sense as to why I had Erick ( a normal baby) and lost every singel pregnancy after him.
Left untreated Iwould miscarry and miscarry and would have never known it was this.
on the bright side I have ANSWERS..yes more than I wanted to hear.. but now we know WHY.
and the best part of all I'm STILL ON TIME!
I asked so.. does this mean I cannot concieve? He said with treatment your chances of conceiving is just liek anyone elses.. is the pregnancy persay that needs to be watched an monitored closely.
Now here's a huge battle right now... I don't belive in abortion. And GOd with all my losses the thought of ever terminating a pregnancy is painful. But what if I have a baby with serious problems like spina bifida and deformity... should I let my baby die in my womb liek many women I admire have.. or should I do something so against my beliefs as terminating?
My husband made it very clear that if a baby comes out with genetic issues he will want me to terminate... and that hurt me.. so bad.
I'm the least person you would think of having an abortion. I know I'm not there yet.. and hopefully I will NEVER be in those shoes...
but the "what if" is a question thats sturring up some stuf in my head.
sigh
well this is my update. I'm waiting till after my birthday ( sept 14th) to save up & buy my medicine for the IUI. Once I have the meds shipped over I get provera and get things started. I'm on cycle day 21 and my periods come every 2-3 months so I have time .
The Fertility Clinic kinds lends you 3 days supply of the medicine which I have in my fridge but its not enough I need to buy my medicine to do the IUI.
so those wondering when it will finally start well.. lets say by Mid September.

CONTINUATION Sept 27 2009
I'm so happy I can do 20 cartwheels right now! ( If I knew how to do them!!!!!!)
the DOCTOR just called... right now... I called in yesterday about my concerns about not being able to buy the meds.. and if he could put me on something cheaper like Clomid. guess what???? He.. he said patients who have left over medicine donate it to the clinic.... aaannnnddddddddd..the clinic is donating the meds to me.. OMG!! OMG!!!!!!
You know what that means?? I'M DOING THE IUI NEXT MONTH BUDDY!!!!
I'm on cycle day 9 right now so it's too late to start them... so next cycle it will be.. he also said my blood count was low ( remember the heavy bleeding last weekend?) so he said take this month to take Iron, pre-natals and gear your body up for ACTION NEXT MONTH!!!!
hubby is picking the meds up in a bit!!!!!! OMG OMG OMG!!!!!
I'm DEAD serious in tears, nervous... EXCITED!!!!! I waited 5 yrs and much heartache for this day... I love this Doctor I wish I would have found him before!!!!!


11/17-2009
So yes today I got my period.. YES 63 days since my last one! Blah!
but FINALLY it's ON!
I start IUI meds on 11/19/09
and will have the IUI done sometime around the last weekend of Nov
hoping for a BFP around the 2nd week of December!!

11-27-09
Cycle day 10 ultrasound revealed 4 follicles on my Rihgt ovary and 2 on my left.. from which one is dominant on BOTH ovary.. one measuring 10mm and the other 11mm. Dr said they are very good for CD10 but they need to grow a little more till at least 18-20mm in order to trigger ovulation ( trigger shot)
So I have 3 more days of Meds and getting an u/s done on Monday. Hoping at least one of the TWO is good for ovulation. I'm a little nervous I have two good eggs TWINS !!!! We are aware.. and are ok. Nervous but ok.
Praying my follies GROW!!!
"Ones best success comes after their greatest disappointments."

11-29-09
Sooo as of Friday you might or might not know I had 2 "best" eggs ( or follicles right? ) one measuring 10mm in my left ovary and one measuring 11mm on my right ovary.. The Dr upped my dose of shots from 75Iu to 250Iu starting Friday night, Saturday and one in the AM today ( which I did already)
Well today I got measured again and the egg on my left ovary stayed at 11 mm so it's not potential anymore ( Boo for no twins) buuuuuttt the one beautiful eggie on my right ovary is at 19.4mm TODAY!!!!!!!! ( they have to be 19-20 mm to be ok to ovulate)
The Dr assured me that by tonight it will be at 20mm and told me to go ahead and trigger with the ovidrel tonight around 9PM. I am scheduled for the IUI tomorrow at 8:00 AM hubby has to go in at 7 AM to process and wash his sperm... We are overly excited yet nervous.
We are told to have intercourse the day and 3 days after the IUI just in case. so this week I will officially start my 2 week wait
Crossing my fingers and toes this eggie is my miracle. I'm READY!
Wish us luck!!!

11/30/09
We had our IUI done this morning I'm officially in the 2ww!!!! WOOHOOO!!!

12-18-09 AF showed up it was a FAILURE
Let's see if 2010 brings us our miracle!!!!

We will attempt a 2nd IUI on February 2010.

I will update as things start happening
thanks for reading this.
prayers appreciated.
Ruthie
here's some awareness I will be spreading the word about
Factor V Lieden
http://www.fvleiden.org/
MTHFR mutatiotn
http://www.fvleiden.org/ask/51.html
PCOS
http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview